


We Could Keep Trying (But Things Will Never Change)

by love_killed_the_superstar



Category: Free!
Genre: Future Fic, M/M, Mpreg, Post-Series, Rin's a bit of a potty mouth, eventual MakoRin, flatmates, in which Rin is pregnant and Makoto is trying his best not to get on his nerves, the chigou is a minor subplot because im a true believer, these two have a lot of baggage so they'll get past it eventually i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1954758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_killed_the_superstar/pseuds/love_killed_the_superstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were just flatmates who happened to be having a baby together. That's all there was to it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. (maybe) we can make it all right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title may change, I'm not too keen on it. I couldn't find mpreg makorin anywhere so I figured I'd give it a shot! I did actually write this before Eternal Summer started airing, so if one of them ends up running away to Australia again at the end of the show I'm sorry for this story being inconsistent with canon.  
> If you don't like mpreg or makorin please click off now because I guarantee it will have both and you'll just be disappointed haha.

_I am Thursday’s child. I have a long way to go._

Rin buried his head under the covers, head pounding, skin clammy. The coolness of the pillow failed to comfort him much; he’d been lying in the same spot (besides occasionally sitting up for some food and making numerous trips to the bathroom) for the past week or so, and no position seemed to make his heightened nausea and aching head any less agitating. Though the curtains were mostly shut, cracks of afternoon light streamed through the gaps between curtains and Rin groaned as his eyes wandered over to it, temporarily blinded by the intensity of the light in contrast to the darkness of the rest of the room.

A soft din drifted from behind the closed door, where the Tachibana siblings were gathered around the small kotatsu in the main room, eating some hot pork buns Makoto had picked up from the bakery only a little way from their old elementary school. Despite being early Autumn the air outside was cool and Makoto’s younger siblings had been whining about the cold, which didn’t help Rin’s headache any. With another sigh he rolled over, letting the sheets envelop him.

It had somehow become a ritual for Ren and Ran to visit their home every weekend and normally it didn’t bother Rin, since Makoto’s contagious maternal instinct had caused him to grow enough patience to mind them when they weren’t causing trouble. Despite having coined the nickname “Ponytail Rin” from the first time he’d been properly introduced (he’d just arrived back from a run to see two pairs of eager eyes feasting on him. If he’d known tying his hair back would’ve earned him such a weird nickname he would’ve let his hair down as soon as he turned the street corner), he found that the twins were remarkably affectionate towards him and discovered that he didn’t particularly find it too annoying. In comparison to Ai, who used to constantly pester him on irrelevant matters in the time they shared a room at Samezuka, the twins were very well-behaved, and only clung to him when they knew that he wasn’t working on a paper or heading outside to run or swim.

He could hear the twins arguing again. Their bleating voices, which normally only brushed lightly on his nerves, felt impossibly loud. They were followed by a hushing sound as Makoto tried to keep their volume down. It was a sweet gesture, but Rin knew it was only a matter of time before they forgot to be quiet. Sure enough, a few moments later their voices rose again.

Staring at the ceiling, Rin wondered how one coped with having to raise twins. Maybe it was a bit easier for Makoto’s parents since they had him, a selfless and nurturing son, to help out with their upbringing, but he wondered how other parents could will themselves to go through with it.

Oh, yeah, wait, they didn’t have much of a choice, did they? If there were two babies it was just cruel to only keep one, supposedly. Though he would feel pity for the other one, he wasn’t sure if having twins would be an option for him, since living as a student was bad enough already without the extra costs.

Rin frowned and shut his eyes tightly, stilling his body to see if he could feel anything moving in there. It was impossible to right now, of course, since it was much too early. Still, he was cranky and tired and didn’t care if his actions were in vain. Without the harsh evidence he felt he could’ve still pretended that he was simply suffering from a virus, but the printed papers from the clinic were tacked onto the side of the dresser in his room, in plain sight even from where he was lying.

He prayed with all of his might that if anything was in there at all, there was only one.

He felt himself drift off into an uncomfortable slumber for a while, only awakening when the door creaked loudly upon being opened.

“Rin? Are you awake?”

“I am now.”

Makoto, whose head peeked around the door gingerly, took this as an invitation and hesitantly stepped inside, shutting the door behind him.

“Are the twins still here?” Rin asked, straining to hear their voices in the house. Makoto shook his head.

“No, I took them home about ten minutes ago. I picked up a pork bun for you.”

Rin didn’t feel particularly hungry (after all, if he was going to throw up later, was there much point in trying to keep anything down?), but took it anyway, and pushed himself up. Makoto watched him sternly until Rin took a bite.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, fiddling with his hands. Rin stared at the wall behind Makoto’s head. How was he feeling? How was he _feeling_?

_Tired and disgusting and miserable. Partially because I can hardly get any fucking sleep with your siblings in the house. Mostly because I can’t even move around the house without needing to throw up._

“Fine,” Rin deadpanned, deciding to keep these internal thoughts to himself, more because he didn’t have the energy to yell than the heart to yell at Makoto while he looked so uncomfortable. He could tell that Makoto was trying his best to keep him eating, but he didn’t feel particularly motivated, even towards all of the meat dishes Makoto was working to prepare every day. “What time is it?”

“Seven.” Rubbing his hands together nervously, Makoto added, “Do you want to come and sit under the kotatsu? This room is getting chilly.”

“Not really. You come here instead.”

Rin scowled a little - more to himself than Makoto - as the latter climbed into the bed and sat beside him. Rin took another hesitant bite of his pork bun as Makoto leaned over slightly so Rin’s head fitted tightly into the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry about Ren and Ran… I tried to tell them that you weren’t well so they’d be quieter, but-”

“But kids will be kids. I get that. Should’ve just taken them out, made them burn off their energy.”

“I know that, but then you’d be all alone, right?”

Rin rolled his eyes at Makoto’s predictable thought pattern. “If I was alone maybe I’d have slept better, did you think of that?”

He knew that he was being harsh, but he also knew that Makoto knew, and that was enough.

“I’m sorry,” he says, ducking his head slightly to kiss the top of Rin’s hair.

“Also, this pork bun is cold.”

“I’m sorry.”

Their conversations tended to sound like this a lot, especially since they had come to terms with the situation at hand those past few weeks. Rin found himself growing annoyed by the repetitiveness of things - whenever he found room to complain, Makoto simply apologised without batting an eye. It was beginning to irritate him.

_Why are you treating me this way? Is it guilt?_

“When your classes begin again you’re going to need to start leaving me alone. How many days?”

“Two. I don’t want you to be here alone, though.”

“Yeah, and I don’t want to be stuck in bed all the time, but things don’t always go as we want.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I know.”

_Makoto, Friday’s child, is loving and giving. Sometimes, I find that is what I hate the most about him._

Rin lifted the pork bun to his lips again but found he couldn’t eat anymore. He handed it to Makoto.

“You eat it.”

“But Rin, you need to start eating properly…”

With a huff, Rin lowered himself down again, resting his head against the pillow. “Not finishing off a pork bun isn’t going to kill me, Makoto. I’m going to sleep. I’m tired.”

“But Rin-”

With a loud sigh, he snapped, “For gods’ sake, Makoto, let me sleep. I’ll eat more tomorrow.” Though it was a promise he probably wouldn’t keep, it seemed to satisfy Makoto for the time being. He gave Rin a disapproving frown.

“Well, if you’re sure…”

 

…

 

“ _Rin! Are you alright?!”_

“ _I’m fine…”_

_Makoto approached the hospital bed, where Rin was propped up and looking fed up. Nagisa was sat in the visitor’s seat beside him, much more relieved now that Makoto had arrived at the scene._

“ _Mako-chan, thank goodness. It was a good thing that I was there at the diner when Rin-chan was, he…”_

“ _Oh, shut up,” Rin groaned, rubbing his head tiredly. “I just stood up too quickly, that’s all. My head hurts more than anything. I have no idea why they’ve got me stationed in this bed since I’m not even concussed.”_

“ _They said that they needed to run some tests on you, and that you could still get dizzy at any time. That’s why you’re in bed,” Nagisa answered, raising an eyebrow. “If you think you’re doing so great you’re obviously just talking big. You’re really run down. If anything, I thought you’d be taking a break from such a tight schedule since it’s summer…”_

“ _I told you, I’m fine,” Rin snapped. “I’d just been out for a run. My blood sugar was probably low. It’s nothing to worry about. They only asked to call you in so that you could give me a ride back.” As he folded his arms over his chest, a doctor entered the room holding several sheets of paper and looking baffled._

“ _Rin Matsuoka?”_

“ _What’s my diagnosis?” Rin asked dryly. The doctor glanced down at the paper, then nervously at Makoto and Nagisa, who in turn stared back expectantly._

“ _I have to ask… which one of you is his roommate?”_

“ _That’s me,” Makoto confirmed, stepping forward. Clearing his throat, the doctor nodded and took a step forward, before looking pointedly at Nagisa._

“ _Not to be rude, son, but if you could just leave the room…”_

_Nagisa, casting confused glances at both Rin and the doctor, slowly nodded and headed towards the door._

“ _I’ll, I’ll be waiting outside, so,” he muttered with a small wave and wan smile, before shutting the door behind him. Rin turned his attention back to the doctor stood before them, fiddling with the paper and scratching his beard._

“ _So, what was all that about? What’s wrong?”_

_The doctor sighed heavily._

“ _Well, you see…”_

 

…

 

The next time Rin awoke it was to crippling nausea that caused him to roll out of bed and kneel on his hands and knees in the middle of the bedroom for a few moments, trying to keep himself from throwing up right then and there. When the moment passed, he staggered to his feet before heading towards the bathroom. Though he tried to make as little fuss about it as possible, in his haste he left the door ajar, and he only realised it a moment too late.

“Rin? Are you in here?”

Makoto flicked the light switch on and approached Rin, who was in turn kneeling over the toilet and didn’t want an audience for it.

“Get out of here,” he groaned, coughing. He wasn’t sure why he was still vomiting since there was hardly anything to throw up in the first place.

“No,” Makoto said softly, reaching for Rin’s hair. “If you aren’t going to tie it up someone needs to hold it back, right?”

“When did I say I wanted that job to be yours?”

“That’s mean!” Makoto cried, half-teasing, half-hurt. “I need to take responsibility however I can. After all, if not for me, you wouldn’t be…”

“Pregnant? Yeah, thanks for that,” Rin managed, before hunching over again, coughing some more.

As he finished up Makoto left the room, returning a few moments later with a glass of water. Rin began to brush his teeth, scowling at his pasty-faced reflection in the bathroom mirror hanging above the sink. His legs still felt wobbly.

“At least let me help you back into bed,” Makoto tried pleadingly. “Come on, I’ll only feel worse if I’m completely useless!”

On the way back to the bedroom Rin was suddenly hit by an overwhelming sense of disorientation and staggered, only to be caught by Makoto who ushered him back to bed with a stern, “See why I don’t want to leave you alone? You’ll collapse by yourself.”

“Spare me that lecture at least, Makoto,” he groaned, closing his eyes until the sensation of spinning passed. He opened his eyes as the brunet slid into bed beside him and sat himself up, picking up a biro.

“Are you working on a paper?” Rin grunted, rubbing his eyes. “Why now?”

“It’s just a draft,” Makoto piped up nervously. “I would’ve started it sooner, but… these last two weeks have been strange. It kind of slipped my mind. But don’t worry about it, just get some sleep.”

“Why don’t you go and sit at your desk if you’re going to write? I’m not going to drop dead just because you’re not in the room.”

“But I don’t want to leave.” Makoto’s voice trembled a little. “It’s my fault you’re this sick. It’s the least I can do.”

“Well, the damage is already done, you know?”

Rin winced and shut his eyes. He didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh. Beside him, Makoto visibly wilted.

“Rin, I’m sorry…”

_I wonder who our child will be most like? It’s hard to say. I guess I’m just hoping they won’t be like either of us. Maybe Monday’s child, or Tuesday’s, or Sunday’s._

With a sigh, Rin turned his back to Makoto and muttered,

“Okay. Fine.”

 

…

 

_When the two arrived back at the apartment Rin flung down his jacket in the hallway and stormed into his bedroom, shutting the door and flipping the lock in place. He crumpled down against it as Makoto trudged into the house, seemingly still numb with shock._

“ _Rin? Rin, we need to talk about this…”_

_Rin hugged his knees to his chest and curled up, his mind a tempest network of thoughts._

Holy shit, holy shit, I’m pregnant, oh, shit, fuck me, fuck.

“ _Rin?” A soft tapping at his door sent Rin into a fit of anger._

“ _Don’t come near me! Jesus, Makoto-” He could feel himself beginning to shake. “Jesus!”_

_He began to curse, heart racing, stomach clenching._

“ _Rin, you need to calm down,” Makoto pleaded. “The doctor said it was bad for you to get stressed-”_

“ _Stop it,” Rin shouted, “stop it! Shut up for a second!” He buried his head in his hands, submerging his vision in darkness in an attempt to calm himself. He had a terrible temper and he knew that. He thought he’d been getting better, but then this had happened._

_Rin supposed, in hindsight, there was always a possibility. It seemed that men who could reproduce were gradually increasing in number over the years. They were still a minority, but it was becoming more and more risky to have sex unprotected, and Rin should’ve known better than to turn to Makoto for some mutual relief without receiving some kind of punishment._

_But still, a baby? Why? He could hardly wrap his head around what kind of twisted god would think turning Rin Matsuoka into a parent would be a good idea, if his hot temper and general moodiness was anything to go by._

_At last, Makoto spoke again._

“ _Rin… please open the door…”_

“ _No,” muttered Rin, feeling tired. The day’s events had rattled him to his core, the responsibility in his body looming over him, tall and scary. Being pregnant meant there was a baby, and a baby meant parenthood, didn’t it? There was always adoption, but he’d recently seen a news report talking about how children born from male pregnancies were categorized separately to children born from the mixture of a mother and father, and he couldn’t think of anybody who would willingly pick a child they knew had been conceived via anal penetration. The facts were simple: if he went through with having this child, putting it up for adoption was out of the question._

_He placed both hands on his stomach, toned from regular exercise. How could there ever be a baby in there? There was nothing there at all._

“ _We need to talk,” Makoto tried again, giving in to Rin’s stubbornness and leaning back against the other side of the door, exhaling. “This wasn’t supposed to happen… I know that this is a lot to take in. I mean, I’m having a hard time with it too, so I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling. But we need to sit down and decide what to do.”_

_Rin knew he was right, Makoto was always right (well, usually right). He knew the reasonable thing to do was to unlock the damn door and talk to Makoto about the baby in his stomach face to face, but somehow found he couldn’t. It wasn’t just anger anymore, it was… frustration. Embarrassment. Despair._

_How could he be so stupid? Why couldn’t he have just told Makoto to fuck off and pull out of him before climaxing that one time? It went unsaid that Makoto was overly cautious during sex, always asking if it hurt, always being gentle. He knew if he’d just told Makoto to pull out he would have, without question._

_It wasn’t like he was asking for any of this to happen. He’d never once thought that he could be one of these people who could carry a child in spite of the appendage hanging between his legs. It just wasn’t something that he spent an excessive amount of time thinking about, especially at their age; they were still students._

“ _Then you go first,” Rin choked, disgusted at the way his eyes were threatening tears. His body quaked. “I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need to say, just say it now.”_

“ _Well…” Makoto fumbled with his words a little, supposedly caught off guard by the way that Rin had readily agreed to listen. “The first thing we need to do is consider whether it’s appropriate to go through with the pregnancy. The doctor said that regardless of what we decide to do, we still have to visit the ob-gyn department on Monday, so they’ll explain any possible health risks and so on there. But we need to figure out how we feel about this situation, Rin. We need to talk like adults here.”_

_Rin was silent._

“ _Listen… I know that this is a really scary situation. It’s okay to be scared. But lots of people go through this, Rin. This problem isn’t going to go away if you put up a wall. Please talk to me…”_

“ _We’re students…” Rin rubbed his temples, head throbbing dully. “We’re students, and we’re too young to do this… we’re not even dating, Makoto, fuck!”_

_Makoto sighed heavily._

“ _I know all this. But how do you feel about it? You know, having a baby?”_

“ _How do I fe- how do I_ feel _about it?” …That was a good question, really, because fuck, Rin was all over the place in heart and mind. How was one supposed to feel? It wasn’t planned in the slightest. He supposed that it was just something that happened sometimes, and he’d just have to deal with it, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to scream and cry._

_From the other side of the door, Makoto heard the lock twist and jumped to his feet. A few moments later, Rin opened the door. Pale and shaky, he shrugged._

“ _I don’t know how I feel,” he said tearfully, allowing Makoto to momentarily take him into his arms._

 

…

 

When Makoto next awoke, he had no idea where Rin had gone. The man had seemingly vanished into thin air. He checked the bathroom on the off chance that his roommate had been caught up in another round of morning sickness. He checked his own room in case Rin had gone there for some space. He checked the kitchen, hoping Rin had just breezed in there for breakfast or water. When he couldn’t find him anywhere, Makoto began to panic.

_Where are you?_ He texted Rin’s number. The moment it sent, Rin’s message tone bleated in the house, muffled from where it had been lost under a pile of books on his desk. Makoto reached for the phone, flipped it open and closed it again.

_Where have you gone?_

He wanted to search, but has no idea where to look. What if Rin returned and Makoto had already left to look for him? What if Rin decided he couldn’t handle staying in the presence of the man who burdened his body with this child, and ran away? He realised he couldn’t risk calling the others, since they were still unaware of the situation and Makoto knew if Rin decided to return and Nagisa was already planning a baby shower… he shuddered just thinking about what Rin would do to him.

He found it funny, all of a sudden, that he had become so dependent on Rin in his life. Loneliness was intensified by absence and he could feel it wholeheartedly, sitting by the kotatsu with some coffee in his hands, wondering how long he should wait before picking up his car keys and beginning to search. For all he knew Rin could’ve just gone out running like he did before the pregnancy - but Rin’s morning sickness had been severe since he’d first been experiencing it, and it had impacted on his regular exercise significantly, so he found it hard to believe.

It was still sort of early, he decided. He’d try not to worry for the time being. Perhaps it would just be easier for him to cope with the thought of Rin leaving that way.

Fortunately, an hour and two more cups of coffee later, the sound of the lock in the front door alerted Makoto and footsteps filled the hallway.

“Oy, Makoto, are you up yet?”

Makoto could hardly contain his grin.

“Rin, you’re back.”

Rin took two steps into the main room before clapping a hand over his mouth and bee lining for the bathroom. Makoto arrived in time to witness Rin emptying his stomach. Fortunately, his hair was tied back in its signature ponytail, leaving Makoto to grab the glass that was already propped up against the sink especially for these moments and run him some water with one hand while rubbing his back with the other.

In between heaving, Rin snapped, “Why, Makoto, why the fuck would you stink up the house with coffee when you know it makes me sick?”

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, still grinning at the revelation that Rin hadn’t run away. “I didn’t want to fall asleep again and miss you. Where did you go anyway?”

Rin’s reply was cut off as he leaned over, retching. When the spasm had died down, he sighed, still heaving slightly.

“I went to… report my condition… to my coach.”

“You did what?” Makoto was genuinely surprised that Rin was being so organised, what with the way he’d been since first finding out. After some more coughing Rin’s breathing returned back to normal and he began to drink, exhaling deeply after swallowing. It was then that Makoto noticed the condition of his face. “Is that blood?”

Rin wiped his nose, though the blood was now mostly dried. “Huh? Oh, yeah. It was nothing. Coach was just pissed that one of his stronger swimmers had to go and get themselves knocked up, that’s all…”

Instantly Makoto felt the familiar sense of guilt for Rin having to bear most of the burden of the situation, and squeezed his shoulder as Rin began to brush his teeth.

“If you’d have just told me I would’ve come down with you. Maybe then he would’ve punched me instead…” Another thought suddenly occurred to him. “Oh, but were you all right afterwards? Is the baby okay?”

Rin rolled his eyes.

“Yes, because a punch to the face would certainly be a lot more painful down there.” He snorted slightly. “Besides, Coach wasn’t too mad. He told me I can still swim up until I pop so long as my obstetrician thinks it’s safe. Though he said I won’t be able to compete in any tournaments after the fifth month.”

“And are you okay with that?” Makoto asked worriedly. “I mean, you don’t seem very…”

“Disappointed? I am, sort of, but… It’s not like I can really train afterwards, anyway. I’d be too ashamed.”

_Ashamed?_ Makoto wanted to ask.  _Why would you be ashamed?_

Then again, Rin was still adjusting, and Makoto supposed he’d probably feel a lot differently than he did now if  _he_ were the one throwing up in the night and carrying a child.

With a shrug, Rin pushed past him, muttering about fixing some breakfast. Makoto watched as Rin disappeared into the kitchen, listening to the tune of chiming plates and clinking toaster catches. He followed the sound, standing in the doorway as he watched Rin twiddling the butter knife in his hands, waiting for the toast to spring up. His posture was tight; he was clearly agitated. Yet when he turned to meet Makoto’s gaze, a coolness was there that he seldom saw in Rin’s eyes: someone had once said that the eyes were windows to the soul, and Makoto could clearly see where they were coming from. His eyes were questioning, cold, complex, just like Rin himself. Makoto found he couldn’t translate the message they were sending.

The moment was brief, and Rin quickly turned back in time for his toast to pop up, grabbing the slices and lathering them in butter and jam. Makoto stood frozen, afraid.

_Those are the eyes of the man I made love to, when the trees were swaying and the cicadas crying. The eyes that never reveal what he’s thinking. The eyes of a man I can never read._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god this is my first ever makorin fic ever so ofc i had to make it mpreg i'm t r a s h  
> I did kind of write this before Rin mellowed out in s2 and in my mind he's the type who would get angry and panicked if he found out he was pregnant so. I'm trying to explain his aggressiveness without making him the bad guy, while also trying not to portray Makoto as the perfect boyfriend he seems to be without making him completely helpless. I'm trying ;;;;;


	2. (maybe) we could make it happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the wonderful feedback I've gotten on this fic! I'm glad that this is an mpreg fic that can make you smile u v u  
> There will be some gross thingies ahead this chapter, including mentions of abortion and some sort of an explanation regarding how this baby is coming out, so if you don't like these kind of things I guess the most I can ask of you is to skim read for the sake of plot? I'm just warning now...  
> Long-ish chapter ahead...........

_How do I tell you that I’m drowning when I’ve been swimming my entire life?_

Rin bent over slightly, hugging his waist. This pain didn’t come with nausea, something he was thankful for, but it was still yet another pain in the ass (or in this case, stomach) that he was sick of. He hated his body so much.

“Rin? Are you okay?” Makoto looked up from the textbook he was reading, glancing over at the man with worried eyes.

“Oh, yeah, peachy.” He had no energy today, he found, and it had taken him until after noon to make his way into the main room and lie under the kotatsu, hoping the warmth would ease the pain in his stomach.

“Well, be sure to tell me if you feel any worse, okay? Risks are high in the first trimester. You’ll need to go to the hospital if you’re in a lot of pain.”

“I’m fine, fuck’s sake,” Rin groaned, shutting his eyes as he felt an uncomfortable twinge in his lower belly. “If you bothered reading the leaflets you’d stop being so cautious.”

“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong how am I not supposed to worry?” Makoto asked, arching an eyebrow. Rin muttered something under his breath and changed position, lying upwards and praying that the cramps would subside soon.

“I need to tell the university supervisor about me having a baby really soon,” he murmured, closing his eyes again. “So that I can make a plan about how to study from home once I get too…” He frowned. “…planetary.”

“I need to come forward as well,” Makoto said softly. “As the father, I also need to take the time off to take care of you nearing delivery and the few weeks following.”

Rin shuddered. “I’m not a kid. I don’t need you holding my hand the entire time, I can look after myself.”

“Then let me do this for our baby. Let me be a little selfish for the sake of keeping both of you safe.”

He lifted the cloth from the kotatsu and leaned over, gently rubbing Rin’s stomach with both hands. Rin reached to swat his hands away, but it did feel a little better.

“Abdominal pain like this is normal,” Makoto said quietly, smiling a little as Rin huffed, folded his arms and lay back as if permitting him to continue. “It just means your body is growing to accommodate the baby.”

“Whatever. So long as nothing bad happens, it can do what it wants…”

Makoto massaged for a few more minutes and was surprised to see that in the short space of time Rin had actually managed to fall asleep. That said, what with the constant trips to the bathroom to throw up, it was no surprise that Rin was exhausted.

Silently Makoto palpated Rin’s stomach, wondering how much longer it would be until he could see the latter ripen out like a melon. Though, Rin would probably hate that for sure. With a small chuckle he watched the faint rise of Rin’s chest as he breathed.  _Yes, good. Please stay alive._

He tried to move his hands away, only found he was unable to.  _My child, our child… our child…_

A shiver ran up his spine as the responsibility of parenthood lingered in his mind. Not much longer now. Six months? Not very long at all.

He frowned. Perhaps he should think about informing his family soon. Though they would probably be a little unimpressed with the immaturity of it all, once they saw how serious he and Rin were it would be easier, right? Though that would mean telling Rin’s family as well, and Gou… how long would she be able to go without accidentally letting it slip to Nagisa on the train ride back from a lecture? He had no doubt in his mind that Gou’s intentions would be pure, but he also had no doubt that eventually, the news would come out. The problem was, would Rin be all right with that? Because he knew for certain that once Nagisa knew there would be no keeping it a secret. He wasn’t so much a gossip as he was a town crier in the network of the group of friends. It was obvious that he would would spread the news without a hint of malice, warning Rei to congratulate them, telling Haruka to visit when he got the chance.

There was definitely a lot to think about. As soon as Rin woke up, they’d discuss things. For now, he’d let the redhead sleep. He deserved that much, after all.

 

…

 

“ _Are you ready?” Makoto asked. Rin nodded, arms folded, though he looked to be on the verge of being sick. The two were standing outside the ob-gyn department, watching other pregnant women walk past in both directions. Rin’s stomach churned._

“ _So which one was it again?” he muttered, glancing at the row of identical doors lining the corridor. Makoto scratched his head._

“ _Uh, that’s a good question, actually… I think Doctor Hiyama said it was the fifth door.”_

_Makoto took Rin’s hand and gently pulled him along, not putting it past Rin to do a runner just moments before the check up. He knocked and there was complete silence for a few moments, before a cheerful voice called, “Come in, please.”_

_As the two entered the room Rin pulled his hand away and Makoto shut the door firmly behind him, shaking his head as a warning. Rin, scowling, turned his attention to the doctor who had diagnosed him as being pregnant at the hospital a week ago. Doctor Hiyama, short and slightly bald on top, grinned and held out his hand for both Makoto and Rin to shake._

“ _Welcome, welcome. Would you like to take a seat?”_

_The two did, a little uncomfortable. Doctor Hiyama clapped his hands together._

“ _Now, I was called in last week when one of the other doctors noticed the abnormal results in your blood tests and described symptoms, and I can guarantee that you’re definitely pregnant. I’m an obstetrician who specialises in the recent emerge of male pregnancies, so everything I tell you applies to your current situation. Now, Matsuoka-san, how have you been since we first met last week? Anything out of the ordinary happen?”_

“ _Don’t you think being a pregnant guy is pretty out of the ordinary?” he deadpanned. Doctor Hiyama laughed loudly._

“ _I suppose so. What kind of symptoms have you been experiencing?”_

“ _Uh, lets see…” Makoto leaned forward, despairing as Rin had apparently decided that he was sick of this appointment already. “He, ah, he’s still been a little dizzy… and he’s been very emotional-”_

“ _Emotional?” Rin snapped, brow furrowing. “I’ve been fine!”_

_Doctor Hiyama smiled slightly at Rin’s outburst and jotted something down._

“ _Is that all? No other symptoms?”_

“ _Well,” Makoto hesitated, “he has been sleeping a little more than usual. But he’ll get mad if I say that.”_

“ _I’ve been sleeping as much as I normally do, don’t be so godding observant,” growled Rin._

_Doctor Hiyama tutted. “Matsuoka-san, you’re lucky that Tachibana-san here has been paying such close attention. I need to know everything that goes on. If not, I won’t be able to tell you what’s normal and what’s not, so if something’s wrong it might be too late before you realise. You know now how important that is, don’t you?” Rin said nothing. “Now, how about your emotional health? I know that this isn’t a very common situation and by your reactions the first time we met I take it that it wasn’t planned. How have you been feeling since then? Overwhelmed, confused, angry?”_

“ _All three and then some.”_

“ _Tell me about it.”_

_Rin glared. “What are you, a shrink? I’m a pregnant male student with hardly any money, do you_ think _I’d be taking this well? I’m in no fit condition to have a kid and raise it, nor am I the right kind of person for the task, so if I said I was anything but overwhelmed, confused and angry I’d be lying out of my ass!”_

_Then, he stopped. He clapped a hand over his mouth, leaning forward a little. Makoto watched him, concern in his eyes._

“ _Rin?”_

_Without warning, Rin belched loudly. Makoto’s eyes widened, startled by Rin’s uncharacteristically bad manners, though the obstetrician didn’t seem offended in the slightest. He quickly rose to his feet, glancing around urgently, before Doctor Hiyama inputted, “The bathroom is over there.”_

_The redhead made a dash for the door, locking it tightly._

“ _Rin?!” Makoto stared, completely in shock, as retching sounds stifled by the wall between them leaked through the crack under the door. “Rin, are you all right?”_

“ _Please relax, Tachibana-san, vomiting is perfectly normal for this stage. He’ll get used to it.”_

_Would he? Rin sounded like he was being killed._

_They waited in uncomfortable silence as the vomiting sounds continued for a few more minutes, heaving pauses in between. At last, the sound of the chain being pulled and the rushing of tap water filled Makoto’s ears and he sighed in relief._

_Eventually Rin stumbled out, pale and a little shaky, running his fingers through his hair. He bowed to the doctor._

“ _Feeling better, Matsuoka-san?”_

“ _I, uh, I’m sorry. That was rude of me.”_

_Doctor Hiyama shook his head and motioned for Rin to take a seat. “Not to worry, belching and nausea are very common symptoms of pregnancy in these first few months. Regardless of common courtesy it’s going to happen. It’ll ease up slightly around the fourth month, but it’ll still happen from time to time. It’s perfectly normal, especially more so in male pregnancy.”_

_As Rin’s face reddened a little, Makoto felt another pang of guilt for putting his body through so many sudden changes. He squeezed Rin’s shoulder lightly._

“ _Great,” Rin grumbled, as Doctor Hiyama passed him a glass of water. “Fantastic.”_

 

…

 

_You are the sailboat, and I am the lighthouse, stranded. Aren't you coming back soon?_

Rin wished more than anything that Makoto would return home soon. It was irritating how he’d grown so dependent on him, but right now he didn’t have much of a choice. He stared at the clock and sighed. It was 2am and he was craving fucking watermelon. The only place that would be open at this time was the 24-hour supermarket on the other side of town and Makoto had probably fallen asleep at the check out, but Rin honestly didn’t give a crap so long as he came home soon.

He groaned at the way the hunger pangs overcame him, rubbing his stomach to try and calm himself down.

“Why?” he grunted to his abdomen, despairing. “Why the fuck do you want fucking watermelon right now? Why not something easy? For fucks sake…”

He was tired, he was crabby, he was nauseous, he was famished, all at the same time. It was driving him insane.

At eleven weeks in his toned stomach muscles were already beginning to soften. From the side it thankfully looked like he had just eaten slightly too much, but he knew better. He wondered what Makoto would think when it became more noticeable and then scowled. Why did it matter how Makoto felt? They definitely weren’t anything more than roommates who had happened to do a few things a couple of times - out of relief more than attraction. Whether Makoto was repulsed or overjoyed by how his body was changing, it made no real difference to Rin, since he was the one doing all the hard work. With another sigh, he lay back in bed and tried to get comfortable. He was exhausted, but the need for watermelon was keeping him up despite his lack of energy, much to his annoyance.

“Hurry up,” he groaned, leaning back and closing his eyes.

He must’ve nodded off at some point, for the next time he opened his eyes Makoto was sleepily setting down a tray of watermelon slices on his bedside table.

“Makoto…?”

“Ah, Rin… uh, here you go.” He yawned and rubbed his eyes a little. “I wasn’t sure whether to wake you up or not… you looked so tired…”

“Thanks…” Rin sat up, pulling the covers back slightly, and quietly reached for a piece, though found after one bite he was even more starving for it than before. Wolfing down slice after slice, he failed to miss the way that Makoto was staring at his slightly rounded midsection. After polishing off his fourth slice in the space of two minutes he burped, before picking up a fifth slice and raising an eyebrow at Makoto’s expression. “What is it?”

“Your stomach… is that the baby?” Makoto asked, eyes wide in wonder. Rin shrugged, taking a bite of melon.

“Maybe a little bit? It shouldn’t be very big right now, though Hiyama did say that I would start showing sooner than women do, since my body shape is different.”

“I see,” muttered Makoto, never tearing his eyes away. He lifted his hand for a moment, before thinking better of it and retreating. Rin was in no mood to negotiate with him over whether it was too soon for Makoto to be putting his hands all over his stomach anyway; glancing at the clock, it was nearing 3am and he just didn’t have the energy for it.

“Well,” said Makoto, sounding a little startled, “at least we know that it’s growing healthily.”

“Yep.” Rin let out another belch, which he did his best to cover up. “God, I hate all of this.”

“Do you need to be sick again?” Makoto asked, brow furrowing in concern. Rin shook his head, palming his stomach in an attempt to settle it.

“No, I don’t think so. I’ll probably knock out after finishing all this off.”

Makoto helped himself to a slice, glancing at Rin’s stomach again.

“I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl yet.”

“Who knows? A boy would be easier, I guess.”

Makoto smiled at Rin’s attempts to sound uninterested in the subject. “I’m hoping for a girl. I’d love to have a daughter.”

Rin snorted. “I’m sure you would. You want to have it dress up in little pinafores and wear its hair up in a ponytail and make batches of cookies with it, right?” He spat out a few watermelon seeds, feeling the familiar sensation of nausea sweeping in his stomach. He inwardly groaned.  _Not now…_

“Oh, be quiet,” Makoto grinned, shaking his head. “It’d just be nice, you know? To have a little girl. Just think, you can spoil her rotten. And she could still take up swimming.”

“Girls might be easy for the first few years,” Rin grumbled, “but if she’s anything like Gou she’ll splash around for a bit and then complain of feeling cold and her hair knotting up. Plus when girls get periods it’s just gross to swim, so she’ll probably decide to quit.”

Makoto cringed slightly. “I guess there is that. But just imagine her in a little pink bib… tiny dresses and tights and ribbons in her hair…”

Rin, feeling more nauseous by the second, gingerly climbed out of bed and padded into the bathroom. He was still throwing up when Makoto followed him in, having fetched him a fresh glass of water, which had gradually become a routine he knew to follow automatically when Rin headed in the general direction of the bathroom.

“I thought your morning sickness was lessening?” Makoto inquired, puzzled. Rin glared up at him from between heaving.

“Yeah, so did I,” he managed, before beginning to retch. “This is such a waste of good melon,” he grumbled, insides groaning. A few minutes later his breathing had returned to normal and he leaned his forehead against the edge of the bathtub with a loud groan.

“Just a couple more weeks and it’ll be gone,” Makoto said softly, rubbing Rin’s back as the redhead took a few sips of the water. Rin exhaled loudly, cleaned himself up and headed back to bed, glancing wearily at the few watermelon slices still on the plate. Just looking at them made him feel queasy again.

“Can you… put those in the fridge?” he asked, feeling slightly dizzy. “I need to sleep.”

“Sure thing.” As Makoto picked up the plate, he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Rin’s forehead. “You’re doing great, Rin. Almost a third of the way there,” he said in an attempt to be encouraging. Rin scoffed.

“Whatever. All this burping and throwing up stuff, it’s your fault, you know.”

“I’m sorry,” Makoto said with a slightly resigned sigh. Rin leaned back and placed a hand on the slight rise in his abdomen, closing his eyes.

“Almost a third of the way there, huh? I’m dreading to see how I’ll look later on.”

With a short chuckle, Makoto smiled at Rin and bid him goodnight, before shutting the door. Putting the watermelon safely back in the fridge, he stood in the kitchen for a moment and sighed, the emptiness of the dark almost soothing.

_Sometimes we don't need a lighthouse when we're out at sea. Sometimes we like not being able to see its beacon at all. Just knowing it exists, and won't cease to exist, is enough._

“Nearly a third of the way there…”

 

…

 

“ _As far as I can tell there doesn't seem to be any real problems,” Doctor Hiyama informed the two cheerfully as he moved the transducer over Rin's stomach. “I understand your family has a history of fraternal twins, Tachibana-san?”_

“ _Yeah, that's right,” Makoto answered, eyes flickering between the doctor and the monitor displaying the baby nervously. “My mother is one, and my younger siblings are also twins... I mean... you're not saying this because Rin is...?”_

_Rin swallowed, dread creeping into his throat, suffocating him. However, to his relief Doctor Hiyama shook his head, offering the two an amused smile._

“ _You'll be glad to know that regardless of whether you carry the twin gene, Matsuoka-san is not expecting twins; I merely wanted to put your minds at ease. Multiple births are extremely rare in male pregnancy due to the low chances of even one embryo forming, so we consider twins or otherwise to be a complication since it is already taxing enough on the mother as it is...”_

_The word mother left a bad taste in Rin's mouth._

“ _So there's nothing wrong, then?” Rin asked impatiently, trying to make sense of the dark and light shapes on the screen in correspondence to how the transducer was positioned on his stomach. “I mean, I can't see a damn thing so I want to at least know from a reliable source that I'm not going to die or anything.”_

“ _No, no. The baby is growing at a healthy size and there are no complications, from what I can see. It is still much too early to distinguish the gender, though... that can only be spotted around 18 weeks, so although I insist that ultrasounds be given to male carriers once each month to catch abnormalities early on, it'll still be a while before you get a proper answer.” He paused. “That is, if you have decided you're going to keep the baby.”_

“ _We...” Makoto faltered slightly. “We're still undecided...”_

_Rin frowned as Doctor Hiyama paused the ultrasound screen before lifting the transducer from his belly and handing him a towel to wipe the gunge off himself. He hated the wistfulness in Makoto's voice, hated how he kept stealing glances while he thought Rin wasn't looking. What kind of game was he trying to play? Makoto was so hopeful when looking at the grainy little image on the screen, but he still kept using the same words over and over again:_

“ _It's Rin's choice, in the end.”_

_Damn right, it was his choice. It was_ his _body in constant turmoil,_ his _career on the line,_ his _friends and family judging him and questioning him and prodding him. Ultimately, though, it was a choice he didn't want to make. Why should he, once again, have to make this decision? Fuck Makoto._

“ _What choices do I have, anyway?” Rin asked, resigned. “I mean, it's not like adoption is any kind of option, given how kids like that are treated.”_

_“Well, if you're opposed to the idea of keeping your baby or putting it up for adoption... there is always the alternative.” Doctor Hiyama cleared his throat. “Have you considered abortion, Matsuoka-san?”_

_Rin nodded dully; to be perfectly honest it had been the first thing to spring to his mind, only he hadn't the heart to bring it up in front of Makoto. When he'd tried searching it online, there was no valid information regarding how this kind of procedure would be carried out under his circumstances, leaving him to wonder if it was possible at all._

“ _Well, that's good. I want to make it very clear now abortion is very rarely harmful to the mother and certainly won't affect fertility again. There is nothing to be feared regarding the procedures and although I don't personally carry them out, we fortunately have connections to a very talented team in a more prestigious hospital in South-West Tokyo that specialise in male pregnancy abortions, so you would be in very capable hands if this is the option you choose.”_

_Makoto watched Rin silently, dread in his stomach. While he wanted it to be Rin's choice, and while he knew Rin had been opposed to the idea from the beginning, part of him had... expected Rin to refuse. It was a silly thought, but somehow he felt as though the ultrasound would change something, give him a wake up call, overwhelm him with some sort of maternal instinct. Instead, Rin seemed further out of reach than before._

“ _The only cons to the procedure is that most of the time we have to perform a surgical abortion since before we can offer an abortion your body will have had to already created the... natural way to deliver.”_

_Rin tensed. “What the hell is that?”_

_Doctor Hiyama smiled warmly, as though in an attempt to calm who he now knew to be a more difficult patient. “It's an exit route, if you will, similar to a vagina, that naturally opens between weeks eleven and fourteen, although there have been occasions wherein it has opened sooner. You will be asked to stay in the hospital starting from the twelfth week and it will be induced if it hasn't begun by the fourteenth week.”_

_Rin's jaw dropped. “Why can't you just induce it straight away? I don't have time to be wasting in the hospital-”_

“ _We can only induce it for medical reasons,” Doctor Hiyama cut in with a pleasant smile, as Makoto glanced over at Rin apologetically. “Trust me, Matsuoka-san, inducing the opening is extremely uncommon, since most of the time they open on their own. The process only lasts for a day, so after 24 hours of the opening and checking it isn't infected or bleeding heavily you can go home. After being discharged, though, you will not be allowed to do any strenuous exercises, take baths or engage in sexual intercourse for two weeks.”_

_Rin, whose face had flooded at the mention of intercourse (since when were he and Makoto regularly having intercourse, anyway? Like hell Makoto was allowed to go anywhere near his dick after what had happened), suddenly frowned, a new concerning thought occurring to him._

“ _Wait, I'm a competitive swimmer. You're telling me I have to sit around doing nothing for weeks on end and then I have to put off my training for another_ two _weeks?”_

“ _Unfortunately, yes.” Doctor Hiyama, now looking a little weary, rubbed the bridge of his nose. “And if you decide to have an abortion following the opening, you will first have to wait two weeks and then wait another two weeks after the abortion before swimming again. It'll be a while before you'll be allowed to swim, and a further week before swimming competitively is advised.”_

_Tugging his shirt down, Rin climbed off the chair and grabbed his jacket angrily._

“ _With all due respect, that's not an option for me.”_

“ _Rin!”_

_As the redhead stormed out, Makoto turned to the doctor, aghast. “I'm sorry...”_

“ _Don't be. It is a lot to take in, and a lot for his body to endure.” Doctor Hiyama handed Makoto a small bottle, along with some papers and photographs. “Here are some supplements he needs to take every day, with instructions on the label. When he's calmed down, try and reason with him about the procedure. If he has to wait, he can leave the abortion until the twentieth week, but no later. Also talk to him about the benefits of having the baby, but don't pressure him. It's a lot for one person to decide.”_

“ _Okay,” Makoto agreed, mind elsewhere. He glanced down at the papers. “What are these?”_

“ _They're leaflets discussing the cost of an abortion, the kind of things to expect in the different trimesters, the process of the opening being created and other information you may have concerns about. They are tailor made for male pregnancy, so it should prove useful to both Matsuoka-san and yourself.” Doctor Hiyama smiled broadly. “There are also three sonogram copies there, in case you know any family or friends who would like to see them.”_

_Sadly, Makoto shook the doctor's hand and left, to where Rin was waiting for him, arms folded and teeth grinding._

“ _I don't want to see them,” he snapped upon Makoto presenting one silently._

 

…

 

Rin hadn't meant to stumble across the sonograms. All he had been doing was looking for some of his old training regimes in his desk drawer. God knows why Makoto had decided, even after his numerous protests of not wanting to see the images, to put them in a place where Rin was likely to find them. Or maybe that was his plan, to catch Rin in a vulnerable state, scrambling on his hands and knees while searching his room for some sort of easier schedule to follow while his body was doing all in its power to prevent him from training.

Rin stared at the sonograms splayed out on the floor in disgust. He could vaguely make out some sort of shape, but it still didn't mean anything to him.

“What does he see in me?” Rin wondered aloud as he gathered up the papers.

The house was empty. Makoto had gone out to his part time job at the florists and was then stopping off at his parents' house to... well... discuss things. Truthfully he had asked Rin the night before if he wanted to be there, but he had flat out refused. It wasn't that he was afraid of the Tachibanas, because they were without a doubt some of the nicest people he'd ever met, but the thought of being there when Makoto broke the news felt draining, and he knew he'd end up too embarrassed to say a word. He didn't want to feel ashamed, although the thought of Makoto's parents knowing that the two had had sex at all was enough to put off visiting them until the baby was born at the very least. If one thing was for certain, parents liked to talk. It was only a matter of time before they ended up talking to his mother about it, and Rin wasn't sure he was ready to deal with that. Ever.

He put his hand on his stomach. It wasn't really protruding any more than it was the other night, but the situation was beginning to feel more real, and he wasn't sure whether this was a good thing or not. There was this feeling of intense hunger gnawing at him again, but nothing in the house would satisfy this weird new urge for something extremely unhealthy.

“First watermelon and now mcdonalds,” he groaned, lacing up his shoes. He didn't have the patience for this baby, and he certainly didn't have the patience for the appetite it was starting to thrust upon him. The whole reason he was so eager to find his old high school regime was so that he could at least try and keep in shape as the months progressed, since he'd read up that swimming was one of the few sports that were safe for a pregnancy. If he started heeding to his baby's unreasonable diet he'd start putting on weight for sure. Not to mention Makoto would be even more insistent on making sure he ate right.

Still, he supposed it couldn't be helped right now, since he'd only get more irritated if he resisted.

He had only gotten to the end of the street when Makoto's car crawled along beside him.

“Rin. Where are you going?” Makoto looked tired; his brow actually had creases that only appeared when he had been dealing with a particularly exhausting task.

“McDonalds,” Rin replied flatly. “And don't look at me like that. This child knows what it wants.”

Makoto's pained expression threatened a gentle yet still somehow stern caution, but in the end he just shrugged helplessly, knowing it was a useless battle to fight when Rin was in this kind of mood.

“I could drive you,” he suggested, shaking his head in resignation. Rin weighed out the pros and cons; it meant less walking, and he was feeling even more tired than usual today, but it also meant having to sit in a vehicle with Makoto while undoubtedly listening to what Makoto's parents had to say on the matter of them joining the world of parenthood at such a crucial point in their lives. He wasn't sure he liked the sound of it, but he _was_ extremely tired.

“Yeah, okay,” he sighed. “But I don't want to hear any of what your parents said.”

“We have to talk about it, though,” Makoto protested as Rin shut the door. The lock clicked in place automatically, meaning Rin was trapped. He inwardly cursed how little resistance he put up while walking into this baited trap Makoto had oh-so-innocently set, but as his stomach growled he considered why he had agreed to it in the first place, and instead glared out of the window as the car began to move again.

“So, about my parents,” Makoto began almost instantly. Rin groaned.

“Makoto, listen, I really don't want to hear this right now,” he started, squeezing his eyes shut, but Makoto interrupted him.

“No, Rin. I know you don't want to, but we have to. So I'm going to talk, and you can decide whether to listen or not. Okay?”

“Fine.”

Rin opened one eye and watched lazily as Makoto cleared his throat, staring straight ahead of him at the road.

“I went over there, and sat down while they gave me some tea and asked if I was stressed because Ren and Ran had apparently mentioned to them that I was more on edge that one time...”

They passed a row of shops, including the department store Gou was working at part time, and Rin flexed his fingers absentmindedly.

“I told them, yes, I actually had something to tell them, so they got all excited like I was about to

announce I'd gotten a new job, or something along those lines. And then I told them that I was... going to be a father...”

Rin stared at the dashboard wordlessly. Makoto, having waited a few moments for some sort of reaction, glanced between Rin and the screen, before continuing.

“Their first reaction was disbelief, I guess. I mean, I've made it clear to them since high school that I don't have any interest in girls, so... they asked who _she_ was, and I told them that it wasn't a girl, it was you...”

Rin could picture it now: “Rin... you don't mean... no, you mean your _friend_ , Rin? Your _roommate_ , Rin? Makoto, are you _sure_? It might just be a phase-”

His stomach clenched in disgust.

“So?” His voice, sharp and cold, cut through the heavy silence that had fallen between them, and Makoto jumped. “What did they say? 'Oh, Makoto, we're so disappointed, you could do much better', et cetera?”

“Huh? No.” Makoto looked alarmed. “They didn't say anything like that! Well... they did seem a little disappointed...” He turned his attention back to the road guiltily. “I mean, I suppose that's kind of a given. They're my parents, so of course they'd hope for me to settle down properly and have a nice house and a well-paying job before thinking of kids... they asked at first, if we were completely sure, because it was such an unusual situation, I suppose. But I showed them one of the pictures from the ultrasound and they just couldn't say anything.”

Rin returned to staring out of the window, drumming his fingers on his knee.

“They asked me if we were... you know, together. I didn't really know what to say. They'll support us, I think, Rin. I asked them not to mention it to your mother if they saw her in town, so we can tell her when you're ready.”

Trust Makoto in being the responsible one in this situation, but Rin just couldn't bring himself to do it. The very idea of talking to his mother about being pregnant was enough to put him off visiting home ever again.

As they pulled up at the building, Makoto parked and turned to Rin.

“They don't dislike you, Rin. I don't know where you keep getting this idea from. Sure, they're mad at us and think we're irresponsible, but they're not acting like it's entirely your fault. They'll come around to the idea.”

“I know that,” Rin muttered. “Your parents have to be the most saintly I've ever met.”

“Then cheer up?” Makoto pleaded, reaching over to ruffle the top of Rin's head. Rin pushed his hand away, although he did so without malice. “I can go in and get it for you, if you want. Have an order in mind?”

“A bacon double cheeseburger,” Rin decided, maybe too quickly. Seeing Makoto's expression, he scowled. “Look, I know it's unhealthy, but I don't think I can sleep peacefully tonight if I don't push my face into one in the next five minutes, so save the disapproving look for another time.”

“Well, okay,” Makoto agreed reluctantly. “But you should eat better tomorrow. Lots of vegetables.”  
“Deal,” Rin grunted.

As Makoto disappeared inside, Rin leaned his head back, closing his eyes. It wasn't going to be easy, having to put up with Makoto overbearing on his eating habits more than usual even now he was starting to eat properly without the morning sickness that came with it.

Now that Makoto had left him to his thoughts, Rin began to consider the very idea of discussing it with his mother. She'd be disappointed, wouldn't she? After all, she had high hopes for him. It would be bad enough hearing her voice her distress over his career going down the toilet and knowing that she was completely right. If she mentioned his dad at all though – whether it would be comparing how he, much like his father, was throwing away his future for the sake of becoming a parent, or just noting how disappointed he would probably be if he could see Rin now – that would be enough to break him down completely.

He ran his fingers through his hair, breathing deeply. There was no point getting so worked up over it now, since it was inevitable that his family would end up finding out one day anyway.

“Onii-chan?” A familiar voice, followed by a tapping at the window, dragged Rin from his thoughts. Gou, dressed in a white jacket and floral patterned shirt, stood outside his window with a confused look on her face.

“Gou?” Dread filled him. “What are you doing here?”

“In town,” she said with a shrug. “Anyway, I should ask you the same thing. What are you doing in Makoto-senpai's car? Where is he? And why haven't you visited home in so long? Mom's been wondering about you-”

“He's in there. I've been busy, Gou, what do you expect? I have a busy schedule to uphold, you know?”

“That's a lie! I ran into your coach earlier and he asked if you were feeling better because you hadn't been feeling too good. Are you sick?” Her eyes, filled with concern, bore into him.

“I've... it's nothing.” He turned his gaze away from her, mind racing, trying to think up some sort of excuse that he could use to avoid this conversation. To his relief, the automatic doors opened, and Makoto stepped out onto the street, carrier bag in hand. When he saw Gou, he straightened up, surprised.

“Gou-chan?”

“Makoto-senpai!” Gou approached him happily. “It's been a while, hasn't it?” Then, glancing over at Rin in the car, frowned. “Hey, Makoto-senpai, is my brother ill? He won't tell me anything, you know, but I ran into his coach earlier, but he was being all vague too.”

“Ah... yeah.” Makoto scratched the back of his head awkwardly, eyes traveling between the Matsuoka siblings nervously. “Uh... g-gastric flu,” he gabbled at last. “That's why he hasn't been doing so well. It's not contagious, but he hasn't been able to swim much.”

“Gastric flu? Will he be okay?” Then, glancing down at the paper bag he was holding, her brow furrowed. “Why are you buying fast food if he's got gastric flu, Makoto-senpai?”

“Uh... well...” Swallowing, he produced a small salad from the bag. “We're both busy with papers, so I just picked up something healthy for him, so... er, we have to be going-”

“But! But I haven't seen either of you in ages!” cried Gou indignantly. “Can't we sit down in there for a while and catch up? Come on, I hardly see you anymore, Onii-chan, Makoto-senpai! You've been so mysterious as of late, even Haruka-senpai doesn't know what's up.”

Her pleading eyes may have been easier for Rin to dodge since he had trained in the art his whole life, but he knew without even looking at Makoto that it would be impossible for him to resist, both out of politeness and Gou's individual puppy-eyes.

“...Well, maybe for a few minutes,” Makoto caved, glancing at Rin apologetically.

_It's okay_ , Rin responded silently, with a heavy sigh.  _It's not like you had a chance in the first place._

“Great!” Gou beamed, breezing happily towards the door, ponytail swaying. “Lets go!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was a bit gross haha. I didn't want to get too carried away but I felt that I owed everybody an explanation for how Rin was going to push a baby out, so here it is. If it's confusing at all please leave a comment and I'll work around to explaining it in more detail!  
> Another thing I feel like I should mention is that I'm not an expert on genes (although it was one of the areas I was good at in science, which should give you an indication of how poor I am at science), but when researching it (I wasn't planning on having Rin popping out twins anyway, mind) I discovered that the fraternal twin gene can be passed down to a baby, but only the mother would be affected by it, meaning that although Makoto could very well be a carrier of the twin gene this wouldn't make Rin more likely to have twins, since it doesn't run in the Matsuoka family. Biology lesson over.
> 
> I'm thinking after chapter 3 I should move onto the second trimester once and for all, and maybe stop the flashbacks. Although I might do a prequel chapter at some point, maybe with some smut thrown in there, back when these two are casual fuck friends. It will all be endgame eventually, anyway, so I think so long as I bring these two closer and start exploring their relationship dynamic more, it'll be easier to write some more romantic smut later on. (I'm saying this like I can actually write smut. I'm probably one of the worst, so.) I'm also going to bring Gou and the others into it some more since they're missing at the moment.


	3. just a little (little) bit better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a long and gritty chapter ahead. And by gritty I mean, a little angst and lots of sulky Rin and some medical blah and a lot of Gou. (also some makorin spooning on Rin's bed ahead, you're welcome)
> 
> In other news, I was going to update this before I got my gcse results but I got too nervous and couldn't write, so here it is now ^^;; I passed all my subjects, ayy!! (well, just barely... i got a u on my one biology exam w e lp)
> 
> Anyway, I know the wait was kind of long, but it was difficult to write Gou's reaction and I struggled with it quite a bit, so if you guys would give me some idea of whether you found it believable or not, please leave a comment... I was a little reluctant about posting it but it's not really a situation you can visualise every character in, and Gou was particularly difficult for me, so...

Rin was bored, and restless, and anxious for his body to hurry up and do the tough work already.

While the hospital staff on the maternity ward were friendly and welcoming (he supposed a patient who wasn't screaming and begging for morphine was always welcome) part of him knew he was taking up space, and it was inconvenient for him to be there. Of course, he'd known this from the start, and had pointed it out to Doctor Hiyama at his last appointment in the first place, but now he was actually here it had become fairly obvious that he had been right all along.

“How are you?” Makoto asked brightly, sitting down by his bedside. “Anything happening yet?”

“Nothing,” Rin scowled. “My butt is still very much in place, and nothing has been happening since you went home yesterday. I have a right to go ask to be induced now, right?”

“Rin, you know we can't do that. You've only spent two days in here. You could spend up to two weeks here before they induce you, but they said it'll happen on its own. Fortunately, since you're fit and healthy, it'll probably be a matter of days.” He passed Rin a pork bun. “Here, I picked one up for you. It should still be hot.”

“Thanks.” Rin took a bite, frowning. “Have you heard anything from my coach? He hasn't called me or anything.”

Makoto nodded. Truthfully when he'd first spotted him he'd remembered how he had treated Rin regarding the pregnancy and felt the urge to exchange some sharp words with the coach, but seeing the shame creep onto the man's face as they had greeted one another, he realised he didn't need to.

“I happened to run into him yesterday evening when I was shopping, and he asked where you were. I tried to be as vague as possible, but I did tell him you were in the hospital, so he told me to tell you that he'll fill you in through an email later. But he doesn't mind. He said that he hoped you would feel better soon.”

Rin could barely picture his coach offering such words, though maybe he felt bad about having socked Rin when he'd gone to confess his condition. After all, punching someone who's pregnant is hardly looked upon positively, even by the person doing the punching.

“Can we go up onto the roof or something? I hate this room so much. Anywhere would be better than here.”

From across the hall, a muffled scream sounded.

Makoto winced. “That's a good idea, actually. Doctor Hiyama called me last night and said you should be allowed out of the room provided you come back if you feel any pain.”

“Not fucking likely, with my luck.”

With a stern glance from one of the nearby nurses, the two left the ward and headed up onto the roof. Rin shivered in his thin hospital pajamas as the early October air hit him, crisp and welcoming, and Makoto turned to him, concerned.

“Are you cold? Should I get a blanket?”

“I'm fine,” Rin all but snapped, frustrated. “Geez, Makoto, you're my flatmate, not my slave. Don't sound so eager to help all the time, okay?”

“It's just...” Makoto started, biting into his pork bun. “It's just, you seemed kind of down. And not about the hospital. I thought maybe it could have something to do with Gou-chan... that's all...”

“Well, it isn't.”

Rin didn't mean to sound aggressive; it wasn't Makoto's fault that Doctor Hiyama was stupid, it wasn't Makoto's fault that he hadn't gotten any night's sleep since the Yamada family opposite had seemingly been having that baby for at least three days, it wasn't Makoto's fault that he was cold and it certainly wasn't Makoto's fault that Gou was mad at him.

Makoto watched him helplessly, unsure of what to say, and Rin took this to his advantage, a sweet moment of silence with nothing but the wind and faint din of the traffic below to play in his ears. He bit into his pork bun, the hot meat inside spilling into his mouth, and he exhaled through his nose.

“I really love these pork buns.”

Makoto smiled. “I know.”

Rin leaned against the railing, staring down at the houses below and the rolling ocean that followed, wondering just how many people in the world had dealt with what he was going through, wondering how the hell they'd managed to keep a life of normalcy surrounding the extraordinary event.

“I also really hate this hospital.”

“I know.”

 

…

 

“ _So that's why our professor hates Nagisa-kun,” Gou finished, exasperated. “But really, are you surprised? I don't think I blame him, Nagisa-kun really hasn't changed since high school.”_

“ _Well, it is Nagisa,” Makoto agreed, awkwardly picking at the bacon double cheeseburger he had wound up having to eat for the sake of keeping Gou blissfully unaware of the circumstances. Rin, picking at his salad listlessly, met Makoto's gaze with eyes of venom._

I know, _thought Makoto apologetically._ I'll get you another one once Gou-chan has left.

“ _Anyway,” she continued brightly, “what have you guys been getting up to, then? I mean, I know Onii-chan isn't doing too well, but how has your class been going, Makoto-senpai?”_

_As the two began a steady conversation on university classes, Rin stared out of the window outside, taking a bite of tomato in disgust. It wasn't that he didn't want to see Gou, because of course he did. But at the same time, he was fiddling, twitching. She was sharp. It would be a miracle if she didn't figure it out before the dreaded day where he would have to sit her and their mother down and tell them._

_How exactly would he go about telling his little sister, anyway? Having to admit to her that he had been thoroughly fucked by Makoto Tachibana at least the once in order for his condition to have come about... how the hell was he supposed to live that one down? He was sure that, much like he felt about her, Gou didn't want to acknowledge that Rin had a sex life to even speak of, much less with the former captain of the Iwatobi swim team._

_He knew in the end she was bound to find out, but until he was ready in body, mind and soul, he didn't want to draw any more attention to the symptoms than possible. Which, ultimately, proved impossible._

_As if on cue, the conversation shifted to a topic he was dreading having to talk about, and he inwardly cursed his bad luck._

“ _I'm telling you, Onii-chan, you have to get back to training as soon as possible, okay?” Gou pressed, sending him a warning look. “Your abdominal muscles are already softening up. You're getting out of shape!”_

“ _Well, thanks for the newsflash,” he growled, pulling his jacket a little further around himself to hide what he thought was already well hidden. “I'll remember that.”_

“ _Don't fight?” Makoto tried, looking uneasy._

“ _Onii-chan,” Gou started, seeming startled by his outburst, “why are you mad? I'm just saying...”_

“ _I need to go wash up,” Rin responded, getting to his feet and heading off towards the bathroom. Makoto watched him worriedly._

“ _Makoto-senpai, is my brother really okay?” Gou wondered, taking a sip of her milkshake thoughtfully. “He's acting strange. He wouldn't normally snap at me like that, even if he was sick.”_

“ _Uh... well, how to put it...” Makoto struggled to answer without saying something too revealing. “The gastric flu makes him kind of bloated, and he's really self-conscious about it, so...”_

“ _Is that what it is?” Gou remained looking unconvinced, but shrugged, smiling without it meeting her eyes. “He's been more secretive lately. I don't know what to do about it, Makoto-senpai. You'd tell me if anything was going on, wouldn't you? Me and my mom, we get worried, you know? Onii-chan doesn't tell us anything anymore. It makes me worried, like... like I'm a complete idiot for missing something huge, or... or something like that. Silly, isn't it?”_

_It hurt, having to see her this way. Makoto knew it was unfair that Rin wanted to keep her in the dark when she was so worried, but it wasn't his place to tell Rin's family, was it? And if Rin planned on going through with a termination, would there even be any point in telling her?_

“ _It's not silly,” he said softly, chest tightening. “You care about Rin. Deep down, I think he really appreciates it.”_

_Siblings were truly something else, weren't they? It wasn't like he couldn't see where Gou was coming from, and it wasn't as if he didn't realise how he would feel if he were in her shoes; if god forbid Ran or Ren were to ever become pregnant and not tell him, he'd feel awful. Whether she was aware of it or not, the thought that he and Rin were potentially doing the same thing made his gut twist._

_Gou sighed, smiling sadly. “I know he does. That's why I have to do it.”_

_The two sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes, occasionally catching each other's eye and smiling politely. When at last Rin returned, still tight-lipped and tense, Gou smiled up at him._

“ _Welcome back.”_

“ _Mm.” He sat down quickly, having not calmed down since leaving the table before, and stared at his salad in disgust before flipping the cardboard carton shut._

“ _You're not eating?” Makoto asked weakly. Rin glared at him._

“ _No, I'm not very hungry.”_ Because _you're_ eating what I wanted.

If you'd just let us tell Gou-chan,  _Makoto thought exasperatedly,_ you'd be able to eat it.

“ _Listen, Onii-chan, I didn't mean to upset you,” Gou started, troubled. “I... I only noticed that you seemed a little out of shape. I didn't realise how you felt-”_

“ _Yeah, um, it doesn't matter, lets just not talk about it,” Rin interrupted, reaching over to throw the rest of his salad in the trash can beside the table._

“ _But Onii-chan, are you going to be well enough to compete in the college regionals?” Gou asked, brow furrowed worriedly. “You don't look like you're doing too well right now. If you're too ill to participate-”_

“ _Look, shut up, Gou,” he snarled aggressively, rising abruptly. “I'm going to be fine. I'll make it to the meet.”_

_“But it's only four weeks away,” she protested, also getting to her feet. “Onii-chan, I'm worried about you. If you're still this sick-”_

“ _I said I'm going to be fine!!” he snapped, face reddening a little. Rin held her gaze angrily for a few moments, before pushing his chair back loudly and heading for the doors._

“ _Rin...!” Makoto started to call out. As the doors began to close again, he sat down in resign, sighing. Around them, customers were beginning to talk in hushed whispers. Gou watched after her brother, visibly upset._

“ _What did I say that made him so upset, Makoto-senpai? I was trying to apologise, but... I've never seen him like that.”_

_Gou began blinking furiously, and as he watched Rin's back grow smaller and smaller, Makoto had no idea what to say to her._

 

…

 

“Jesusfuckfuckfuckshitfuckme-”

Curses were flooding from Rin's mouth as he buried his head into the strong-smelling hospital pillow. He felt nauseous, aching, cranky, afraid. Like his butt was slowly tearing apart on the inside.

Doctor Hiyama had been called in, since it was the early afternoon, to consult with the patient and keep an eye on how he was progressing.

“Well, you'll be pleased to know, Matsuoka-san,” he began cheerfully, “that the opening has already started to form, so it won't be much longer until it begins to ease apart. Is Tachibana-san going to be here?”

“I doubt it, he's in a class right now,” Rin muttered, wondering how he'd dropped his pride so easily by giving in to the pain radiating from his rear. His ass was up in the air as he knelt in the bed on all fours, praying the pain would soon ease up. It wasn't that he didn't want Makoto to be here with him, deep down; going it alone seemed daunting, and he almost wanted there to be someone encouraging him, telling him it was going to be all right. On the other hand, knowing his pain would cause Makoto distress no end was another thing entirely.

So, like a true Matsuoka through and through, he held his chin up defiantly, glaring at the wall furiously as a particularly nasty pain tweaked through his lower back.

“This is awful,” he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut again.

“Male carriers have a lower threshold to pain than pregnant women, so it's good to experience a similar sensation to labour pains. You'll at least know what to expect,” Doctor Hiyama carried on, smile never leaving his face. Rin glowered back.

Noting his distress, Doctor Hiyama regarded him sympathetically.

“Would you like me to call anyone, Matsuoka-san? Tachibana-san, or a family member?”

 _Yes,_ he internally screamed.

“I don't think that's a good idea,” he said instead, face pale and pinched. “After all, it's not like my family knows yet – and Makoto's would just be awkward...”

“Perhaps it isn't my place to say,” Doctor Hiyama began, which told Rin that regardless of how not his place it was, he was going to go ahead and say it anyway. “If you're thoroughly against calling Tachibana-san, perhaps it would make sense to enlighten a friend or family member of your condition... for moral support.”

A pain, raw and piercing and remarkably similar to the sensation of Makoto's finger swirling in his hole, swept through him, and he let out a gasp, grabbing a fistful of the pillow. It wasn't that he was against the idea, because Doctor Hiyama, while trying hard to be helpful, was the complete opposite of support, his all-knowing airs and wide smile irritating to look at. Makoto's parents would be too awkward for him to deal with on a normal basis, let alone while he was rocking his ass back and forth and cursing whenever a separation pain took hold of him. Makoto had already been late for several lectures since term had started, thanks to worrying over Rin, so interrupting one of his classes was out of the question too.

For a moment a face flickered in the back of his mind. Did he dare throw his pride to one side and call Haruka? That said, he didn't suppose Haru would be useful and supportive anyway – it would be more along the lines of, _'Are you and Makoto dating or just sleeping together?'_ and he would then swiftly move on to asking Rin to explain what in the world his ass was doing splitting open in the first place. And Rin had a nagging suspicion that he would end up screaming at Haru's tactless conversation, or crying, or kicking him in the face, or probably all three.

He sighed. No good. The thought of Rei or Nagisa coming to awkwardly sit with him while his ass was tearing in half and make small talk wasn't a great thought either. And his mother was an option he didn't even want to consider.

Nitori was off studying all the way in Hokkaido, Sousuke was in the midst of intense training, so his phone would be off anyway, Momotarou would be at school, whipping his underclassmen into shape while hopelessly daydreaming about what Gou was up to.

Gou-?

Rin's face contorted. As the pain dulled slightly he pushed his bangs back, away from his eyes, breathing heavily. He and Gou hadn't been on great speaking terms since that day in McDonalds – in fact, he'd been trying to avoid her, period – but surely now, she'd...?

If not for the stinging of tears in his eyes as another sharp pain spread out from his rear and rippled through him, a dull throbbing that pushed a groan that didn't even sound human from his mouth, he would probably have still tried to deny the need for someone to be with him who wasn't simply marveling at how huge the gaping hole between his anus and his balls was going to look. He felt sick from the pain, his head swimming with it, so much so that things like whether Gou would be disgusted when she saw him in this position and crying seemed stupid and irrelevant in comparison.

He began to mutter the digits sluggishly as he tried to speak over the pounding in his head.

“Wait, is this a phone number? Matsuoka-san, please repeat that again,” Doctor Hiyama interrupted, clumsily fishing about in his trouser pocket before retrieving his cell phone. Rin took a few deep breaths, hating how weak he'd gotten already, before reeling off the number again. Doctor Hiyama tapped in the digits, before pursing his lips.

“And who exactly am I calling, Matsuoka-san?” he asked. Rin rolled his eyes, but supposed it could be much worse – he was sure not many other obstetricians would go through such an effort, even if Doctor Hiyama was somehow managing to do it while still maintaining this annoyingly chipper attitude.

“My younger sister, Gou Matsuoka,” he deadpanned, no longer possessing the energy to argue. “She doesn't know yet.”

“Gou Matsuoka-san. Okay.” With a radiant smile, Doctor Hiyama turned and left the bedside, pressing the phone to his ear.

Once again, Rin was alone.

 

…

 

“ _Rin?” Makoto knocked softly, before entering the room. Rin was lying on his bed, still fully clothed, his body shaking a little. “How are you feeling now? I think you surprised Gou-chan when you stormed out.”_

“ _Shut up,” Rin said roughly, his toes scrunching in his socks. His room was shrouded in darkness, but Makoto could still dimly make out the sour look on his flatmate's face. Quietly, he moved over and sat on the end of Rin's bed._

“ _I'm sure Gou-chan didn't mean to upset you. After all, she doesn't know yet.”_

_When he reached over to smooth down Rin's bangs, Rin allowed him to, indicating for Makoto that he wasn't still violently angry. He supposed it wasn't surprising that Rin was lashing out, given his current emotional state along with the hormonal changes mentioned in the leaflets, but all the same it was startling to see him lose his temper in front of Gou after he had returned from the bathroom._

“ _I know it wasn't her fault,” Rin muttered, closing his eyes. “She was just looking out for me. It was just so irritating though, like... I wanted to have that burger so badly. And she wouldn't stop talking, and she kept talking about my weight, and acting like she knew everything...”_

_His lips quivered and he clamped them shut. Makoto rubbed his shoulder, feeling lost._

“ _I know you don't want to tell your family yet, Rin. But if we explain to her...”_

“ _We can't and you know that,” Rin said shortly, moving his hand up to cover his face._

“ _Why?” Makoto ventured, eyes watching the way that Rin's mouth trembled and pursed as he searched for the right words to say. “You said during the ultrasound that getting an abortion so soon wasn't an option. If it isn't, don't you think that it's only going to become more difficult to hide this from Gou-chan?”_

“ _Shut up...”_

_“She's worrying about you, Rin,” Makoto continued, as Rin shrugged off his hand. “If she knew about us, maybe-”_

“ _Shut up!” he bleated again, shifting away from Makoto. His back tensed up. “...Look, I know it was wrong to speak to her like that. And I know that I have to apologise to her, but I don't want to tell her anything. Sorry. But I don't.”_

_Makoto lay down beside Rin, staring up at the ceiling. He could feel Rin's back rising and falling slightly as he breathed._

“ _Is it because you think she'll be mad?” he murmured. Beside him, Rin stiffened. “I guess I don't know Gou-chan as well as you do, Rin, but I spent two years of high school with her. I think, maybe she would be cross about a few things... but in the long run, I think she'd be happy.”_

“ _Yeah,” Rin agreed, chuckling darkly. “At first, maybe. But if, you know, I do... get rid of it, what then? I think I'd rather have her in the dark like she is now. If she knows and that happens, I don't know if she would be able to forgive me.”_

_His voice had grown strangely thick and Makoto almost instinctively took Rin into his arms. This felt similar to the awful day all those weeks ago when they'd been informed of the pregnancy – Rin's state, somewhere between crying defencelessly and trying to hold himself together, demanded for the kind of comfort that Makoto suspected he wasn't capable of fully giving. Still he kissed the nape of Rin's neck silently, held him closer as these shuddering sobs took a hold of him._

“ _It's okay, Rin,” he murmured into Rin's neck, “it'll be okay.”_

“ _No, it's_ not _okay!” Rin's voice choked out. Makoto could picture his face scrunched up in frustration, hot tears spilling out over his cheeks. “She'll either hate me for being an ass to her or hate me for keeping the truth from her or hate me if I get rid of the baby, this is bullshit, and it's NOT OKAY.”_

“ _Rin, Gou-chan is your sister,” Makoto tried, reaching for Rin's hands, which were shaking and clenched to his chest. He held them close, entwining their fingers carefully. “I don't think she could hate you for any of this. I mean... we didn't plan for you to get pregnant, we're young, and we're not together, so... I think that she would understand.”_

_Rin said nothing, unable to stop his body from shaking, unable to stop crying. Why had he always been such an emotional person? At the back of his mind he recalled that Makoto had mentioned the emotional thing being a normal part of being pregnant but he had brushed it aside, because when had anything about this pregnancy been normal? Maybe if he wasn't such a crybaby already it would be easier for him to stop his tears now, but it was proving impossible._

_One of Makoto's hands travelled down to Rin's stomach and he shivered with the sudden contact. They lay there for a while, neither of them saying anything, Rin's embarrassingly noisy crying still filling the silence. Makoto, still holding onto Rin's hand with his right while palming Rin's stomach with his left, began to leave kisses in his hair, whispering tiny comforting words over and over again._

This isn't how it should be, _Rin found himself thinking, eyes shut tightly._ This isn't how it should be.

“ _I'll pick up a mcdonalds for you tomorrow,” Makoto said into Rin's hair, leaving a kiss behind Rin's ear that sent a shiver down his back._

“ _Forget it,” Rin muttered, squeezing Makoto's hand in the darkness._

 

…

 

“Onii-chan?!”

Gou Matsuoka wasn't sure what she expected to see when she was led into the ob-gyn department by the doctor that had called her during her part time job to announce her brother had ended up in the hospital. Since her mind had been racing, all the worst case scenarios running through her head, she hadn't quite registered where the friendly man on the phone, Doctor Hiyama, had been taking her until they were already at the door reading Matsuoka on the removable plaque.

When they had entered the room, Gou eying Doctor Hiyama warily as she did so, she spotted her brother and stopped in her tracks. He was kneeling on his bed, face down in the pillow, rocking slightly as he uttered an agitated sound. He didn't seem to hear her. Gou spun around wildly.

“Doctor Hiyama, what's happening to my brother? Makoto-senp- a-a friend of ours just said that it was gastric flu! Did it develop into appendicitis or-”

“Gastric flu?” Doctor Hiyama's eyebrows raised. “Uh, beg pardon, miss, but Matsuoka-san doesn't have gastric flu. I was told by Matsuoka-san that you weren't aware of the nature of his condition, so I suppose I should explain beforehand lest he becomes stressed in his state.”

Her eyes widened.

“What's wrong with my brother, Doctor?”

Glancing over at Rin, who was still unaware of their presence, Doctor Hiyama ushered her out of the room and shut the door tightly, before explaining, in a low voice what exactly had been ailing Rin.

Gou stared, numb with shock.

“Doctor, with all due respect... I don't think that's possible.” She leaned back against the wall, feeling slightly nauseous. “I mean, my brother... he's not...”

“With male carriers still being a minority it is no wonder that you're shocked,” he offered kindly, “but your older brother is definitely pregnant. I have a copy of a recent sonogram in my office if you would like the confirmation.”

They headed down the corridor, Gou's mind racing. Her brother Rin, a carrier? That thought alone was terrifying enough. The concept that he could be having a baby, or becoming a parent...

She swallowed and shook her head. There was no evidence for that. For all she knew, he could just be having the extra parts removed or something. Though, what with the softness of his abdominal muscles when they'd last met...

Gou was plucked from her thoughts as a picture was handed to her, the doctor smiling tensely; it was pretty plain to see he wanted to be getting back to the ward. For a few moments she stared at the grainy shapes against the black paper, wondering what she was supposed to be seeing, when it came to her suddenly, a memory of seeing a similar sort of photograph in a baby book their father had kept for Rin. With that came the additional memory of a near identical photograph in _her_ book.

“A baby?” she wondered in a small voice.

She examined it closely, hardly daring to believe it, when she spotted a familiar set of characters at the top left of the photo. _Matsuoka, Rin._

“My brother's photo?” she muttered. Gou glanced up at Doctor Hiyama, frantically. “What exactly is this, doctor?”

“It's exactly what I've been saying from the beginning. Your older brother is entering his thirteenth week of pregnancy.”

Somewhere in the back of her mind Gou figured he was used to reactions like this, but she didn't care. Shivering slightly, she asked to be allowed back into the room. For another ten minutes the two stood, Gou arguing to be allowed to see her brother while Doctor Hiyama cautioned her on how to handle the situation. At last, he reluctantly allowed for her to enter the room again, and she approached Rin's beside.

“Onii-chan?”

Rin's head lifted from the pillow, and he stared at her, his initial panic rushing back.

“Gou,” he uttered simply, heart racing. She watched him helplessly, pale.

“Onii-chan, the doctor told me... the doctor told me that you were pregnant,” she said slowly, waiting to see her brother's face quirk into a scowl or a look of confusion, or a grin. Anything. “Is it true? I... want to hear it from you.”

Rin, unable to speak, buried his head in his pillow again.

“Onii-chan...?”

“...It's true,” he muttered, though his voice came out a little muffled. “Makoto was lying about it being gastric flu.”

“Oh...” Gou felt a sudden urgent need to sit down, and was glad that there was a chair beside Rin's bed to fall back into. She brought a hand up to her mouth, genuinely confused. “Um. I just don't get it.”

“Believe me, you're not the only one,” he agreed, trying to appear neutral. He watched her from the corner of his eye, wondering why she was sitting there looking so puzzled. “I mean, what with being a guy I never thought-”

“No, no, I mean, that's not the shocking part,” Gou murmured absentmindedly, brow furrowing. “I mean, that could happen to anybody, right? They did say on that report a few months ago that male carriers were appearing more and more frequently in society, so I guess that's not the part that's shocking.” She looked at him in wonder. “Onii-chan, you're into guys?”

“ _That's_ the part that shocks you?!” Rin spluttered. “No, it isn't the fact that I'm pregnant and sitting here in hospital with my _butt_ splitting open, it's just that I had the audacity to sleep with someone in the first place?”

This wasn't how he pictured telling Gou in the slightest. He expected yelling, disappointment, eventual joy and understanding, followed up by more yelling and disappointment. Instead, she was just sitting there in pure awe.

“I guess it was a little shocking... Well, very. I just didn't want to make you feel weird,” she admitted with a sheepish smile. “I mean, now that you're here I guess it does make sense. I mean, you were always sort of gushing over Haruka-senpai when we were younger, and in high school you got very fired up by them too... it's just, you've been with girls from time to time since you started college, so I thought...”

“Is not minding either such an impossible thing?” he sighed, wondering how she'd lasted nineteen years without Rin giving her an informative talk about the perks of bisexuality. Then, the pain returned, and he hissed. Doubling over, he failed to miss Gou's sharp intake of breath. But as he clenched his fists and ground his teeth, her hand reached over to rub the small of his back, in a way strikingly similar to how Makoto sometimes did when he was holed up in the bathroom battling his morning sickness. A sensation welled in his chest – relief, grattitude? - and his stomach lurched.

“Okay,” her voice came, calm and soothing. “Okay, Onii-chan, okay...”

Once the sensation passed he collapsed under the immense pressure of it all. Gou pushed his hair away from his face carefully.

“What exactly _was_ that, Onii-chan?”

“Well, you know that when there's a baby, it's got to come out,” he groaned, trying to be as vague as possible. “Well, I'm a guy, so. My body kind of has to make a way out.”

“Oh, I see,” she said quickly, face pink. The two sat in silence for a moment, avoiding looking at one another, before she said quietly, “Um, congratulations, Onii-chan.”

“Thanks...”

She blew her fringe out of her eyes, a little flustered, before asking casually, “So, um. This baby... um, if it's not an embarrassing question, whose is it, exactly?”

Rin swallowed, wracking his brains for a lie to spin in order to distract her.

“A... person you don't know.”

“Who? I have a lot of friends, Onii-chan,” Gou said, still slightly uncomfortable but her voice laced with warning. “I'm sure I'll have heard of them if they're local.”

“They're not. They're from Australia.”

“Then maybe I should ask Makoto-senpai?” she wondered aloud. “I'm sure he would know, right? I mean, you guys have been sharing an apartment, so-”

She stopped in her tracks.

“Onii-chan, does Makoto-senpai know about this?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, he covered for me before.” Rin hoped the vague fabrication of the truth would be enough to satisfy Gou for the time being, though deep down he figured it was inevitable that she would end up finding out. She leaned back, sighing.

“And you guys are the only ones who know? What about the father, Onii-chan? Surely you've told him, right?”

“It's not _just_ us, I mean, Makoto's parents-” He froze. _Fuck, wise going, Rin._

“Makoto-senpai's _parents_ know?” Gou started incredulously, but her disbelief was cut short when his face contorted with another separation pain and he pressed his face back into the pillow, cursing his fate and cursing Makoto and cursing Gou and her never ending questions.

“Hang in there,” she murmured softly, reaching to rub his back again, but then once again questioned, “Makoto-senpai's parents know, Onii-chan?”

Not quite over the pain, he grunted in response, figuring that would let him off the hook until he had recovered enough to talk coherently. Briefly he wondered how long he could fake the pain for after it was gone, if anything for the sake of coming up with a good excuse. His mind was blank.

“Why would you tell them before me? And Mom? Have you told Mom yet?”

Gou frowned and sat back, folding her arms as she saw his body relax, the pain having disappeared for a while, lurking out of sight. The pieces weren't quite coming together, and Rin was being stubborn. At this rate, she'd have to try and piece the information together herself.

“I can't tell Mom yet,” Rin told her slowly, grimacing and pushing his bangs away from his eyes. “I haven't come up with a tactful way to break the news to her yet. If I don't have tact, she'll kill me.”

“It takes two people to conceive, Onii-chan,” Gou said simply, the words coming out of her mouth feeling so foreign. Beside her, Rin cringed. “Mom couldn't be solely upset with you, unless you decide you're going to cut the other person responsible out of the picture completely. Which would be stupid, because it'll be hard for a busy guy like you to raise a child on your own-”

“About that, I never said I was planning on-”

“Also, Onii-chan, you didn't answer my original question. _Does_ the father of this child know? Because if he doesn't and Makoto-senpai _and_ his parents do, don't you think that's kind of weird?”

Rin shut his eyes tightly and stayed silent for a few moments, waiting for the light bulb in her head to illuminate.

It took almost a minute.

“Wait... _wait_... no, no, no, Onii-chan,” she said slowly, her eyes widening in disbelief. “Makoto-senpai _isn't_... is he? Oh my _god_ , Onii-chan, _Makoto-senpai_?! But Makoto-senpai is the last person who would...”

Her suspicions were confirmed when, as if to further humiliate Rin, the door burst open and Makoto came stumbling through it, hair a mess and cheeks flushed, clutching a tiny plastic cup filled with shaved ice in his hand.

“Rin! I came here after my class and Doctor Hiyama told me you were-” He stopped as Gou stood up, pale, eyes flickering between her brother and Makoto. “Gou-chan? What are you doing here?”

“My brother was alone and the only person who had the gall to call me was the doctor,” she said, almost coldly. Her eyes softened a little, and her lips started to tremble. “Um, if you'll excuse me,” she uttered in a high voice, before hurriedly moving past Makoto and down the hallway.

“Smooth,” Rin drawled, and Makoto approached the bedside, sitting down in the chair.

“Why didn't you call me? I could have sat with you,” Makoto asked, hurt. He handed the cup of shaved ice to Rin. “Here. Doctor Hiyama said you could have this. And he said that you'll be able to eat in a few hours.”

“I only didn't tell you because if you start getting a spotty attendance like me you'll fall behind.” Rin tried some and grimaced. “This is gross. There's no syrup or anything.”

“Well, this is a hospital, not a beach shop,” Makoto chided. His smile fell as he glanced over to the door. “What happened with Gou-chan? Did you tell her?”

“No, Doctor Hiyama did. I was just made to answer all of her awkward questions.” Rin frowned. “She just needs to cool down. She'll probably come back later with a sappy hospital gift shop card and tell us that she expects to be a godmother.”

“So you didn't tell her we haven't decided yet...?”

Rin said nothing.

“Well, then. I'll clear things up with her when she comes back.”

“I'm putting that duty in your hands. I'm kind of preoccupied already,” Rin said, managing a dry smile in spite of the worry gnawing in his gut. As Makoto ruffled his hair affectionately, he allowed himself to be swept up in the momentary paternal charm that Makoto seemed to carry with him like a pheromone.

“Why is it that I'm always the person having to calm everyone down when they hear about us?” Makoto wondered aloud, a smile creeping onto his face. Rin snorted.

“You should know. You've always been such a damn smooth talker, after all.”

 

…

 

_They were supposed to be at the hospital already._

_Although Doctor Hiyama had told them they could sign in at any point between ten and twelve, Makoto had been insistent that they arrive for ten, so that he could stay with Rin for as long as possible before having to leave for his job. Despite this, he found himself waiting outside the bathroom door in his coat and scarf anxiously, wondering why Rin's morning sickness had decided to return one last time at the most inconvenient moment possible._

“ _Are you okay in there?” Makoto called, perturbed by the silence in the bathroom besides some weak coughing._

“ _Yeah, okay, I'm finishing up,” Rin replied shortly, gripping the edge of the toilet and coughing again._

_He was waiting for the heavy sickness in his stomach to pass, head hovering over the toilet expectantly, but nothing would come up. Each time he'd begin to stand up, thinking he would be fine after all, he would gag and bolt back down, only to experience some dry coughing and for the cycle to repeat again._

_Frustrated, the buzzing in his pocket served as a good distraction, and he reached for his cell phone. As the screen came to life, seven unread messages blinked at him. Six were from Gou. The last one-_

_His stomach lurched dangerously and he dropped the phone, leaning forward as the next intense wave of nausea finally hit, and he began to retch at last, feeling partial relief beneath the tears in his eyes induced by the violent motion of his vomiting._

_Makoto pushed open the bathroom door and headed over to him, running him a glass of water instinctively with one hand while reaching down to rub his back with the other. As he set down the glass on the edge of the bathtub and Rin lapsed into more dry retching, he noticed the phone on the floor and picked it up, eyes widening as he noticed the sender of the message._

“ _Your mother sent you a message?” Receiving no reply, he continued. “Do you want me to read it for you?”_

“ _I don't want to... hear it,” Rin gasped between coughs._

_Hesitantly, Makoto opened the message._

Why did you lash out at your sister?... Gou was only looking out for you... you haven't called me recently... are you going to be competing in-

“ _Makoto... water,” Rin groaned, plucking Makoto from his thoughts. Hurriedly he closed the phone and passed the glass into Rin's shaking hands, before smoothing down Rin's hair in an attempt to soothe him._

“ _Your mother is only worried about you, you know,” Makoto murmured. After swallowing, Rin shied away from Makoto's touch, frown deepening as his breathing slowed._

“ _I know that.”_

 

…

 

Gou sat in the hospital cafeteria, staring at her gross hospital coffee blankly. The taste was dull and bland, the temperature lukewarm. She had no desire to drink it but found herself doing so anyway, only to find someone sitting down opposite her in the exact moment she put the cup down.

“Gou-chan? Can we talk?”

Gou glanced up and watched as Makoto brought an identical cup to his lips. He grimaced at the taste and swallowed roughly, before turning his attention to her weakly. She sighed and stared down at the washed out colour.

“Why didn't you tell me, Makoto-senpai? I can understand my brother's reluctance, but I thought we were both mature enough to talk like adults.”

He smiled wanly. “I wanted to, Gou-chan. But Rin wasn't keen on the idea, and I didn't want to push him to admit anything until he was ready. After all, it's his body, you know? He hasn't been taking it well, so I didn't want to rush into things. I'm sorry it hurt your feelings.”

Gou went to say something, but stopped. How was it that Makoto-senpai always knew what to say in situations like this? Had he been rehearsing?

“It's not like... I don't understand the kind of things Onii-chan must be dealing with,” she said slowly, “but, I don't know why it was so hard for him to tell me. We're family. We look out for each other.” She looked into his eyes, searching for some sort of answer. “Did he think I would tell Mom? Because I wouldn't have. I'm not as tactless as that. I'd just like to know, so I can help. I mean, it's going to be tough on you two financially to raise a baby on top of your studies, you know? It's hard to be a supportive family member when you two won't let me in!”

She frowned and reached for her coffee again.

“I don't like being mad at either of you. But this is kind of a big deal! If you two are going to be parents, you'll need all the help you can get!”

Makoto cleared his throat, avoiding her gaze uncomfortably.

“Well, Gou-chan, we were going to tell you,” he began, unsure of how to explain the situation delicately. “I mean, when we planned to tell you originally. We're not sure if it's a good idea to keep the baby.”

She stared, heart thudding.

“Wait. You mean you're going to give it up for adoption? Because I read in a news article once that babies born from same-sex couples are less likely to-”

“No, Gou-chan,” Makoto said softly. He lowered his head a little. “Rin is thinking of... the alternative.”

“Onii-chan wants an abortion?” Gou asked dumbly, feeling shaken. “Oh...”

“It just isn't practical right now. Or ever,” Makoto went on quickly, avoiding meeting her eyes. “Because, you know, we aren't really together, and we're still students, and neither of us really have the money to take care of a baby. It's not practical for us.”

Gou was glad that she was already sitting down. She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

“I guess that makes sense. I was looking forward to being an aunt, though...”

Makoto nodded. “Sorry, Gou-chan.”

She supposed that was for the best. She couldn't imagine the idea of Makoto-senpai and her brother raising a child together, anyway. But it would have been nice to be an aunt, babysitting while they went to their classes, buying baby clothes and rattles and taking the baby to see the ducks in the park. It would have been nice to see her brother so attached to someone, to be smiling and holding onto a tiny hand. It would have been nice to see Makoto-senpai clapping his hands and filming as a toddler took its first steps towards him, walking around with a bottle in hand at all times.

It felt strange that the two of them didn't have that image in their heads.

“Makoto-senpai, is that what you really want?” she asked quietly.

“What?”

“Don't you want to become a father to this child?” Gou questioned, sadly. “You used to be good with those children at the swim club. You practically helped raise your younger siblings. The thought of you raising a baby just seems so fitting. I know it isn't my place to say, but...”

Makoto hummed, looking forlorn. “Well, to be honest, it feels like a really exciting thing to me, even if these first few months haven't been great. I want to be a parent. I enjoy the idea of a son or a daughter depending on me so much. But Rin is still confused about a lot of things.” He smiled and took another forced sip of his coffee. “I don't think he's completely against the idea of keeping the baby, Gou-chan, but he's been affected badly by morning sickness and a male pregnancy is just so much more complicated. He has his reasons for wanting to get a termination, to do with not wanting to disappoint your mother, and financial reasons, and his university course... the only thing we can do is give him time.”

“But if he wants to give up and you don't, isn't that unfair on you, Makoto-senpai?” Gou protested. “I don't like not siding with my brother because I can sort of see his reasoning, but if the two of you want different things, one of you is going to end up unhappy.”

With a shrug, Makoto said gently, “Then I'd rather it be me. There's always the chance of becoming a father later on in life. If Rin went through with having this baby and he really hated the idea, he would resent both me and the child for the rest of his life, and I don't want that.”

He sighed and leaned back in his seat, envisioning a future unfolding where they went back to how they were before this mess had happened. He found he couldn't bear to witness how it would end.

“Whatever happens,” he murmured, more to himself than to Gou, “so long as I don't lose Rin, I can learn to accept it.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going out for the day tomorrow so hopefully when I get home you guys will have read it ^^ after this chapter Rin will officially be in his second trimester and that means actual swimming, a fucking in person apology from his coach and probably the rest of the Iwatobis finding out about the baby in one way or another. Also lets not forget Rin's confrontation with his mother and more makorin interactions, I'm excited!!
> 
> Until next time! ^^)/


	4. (still) i'm dying with every step i take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again! So today is officially my first day of college (which is like, a junior in the American system?? I'm English, so)!! Meaning updates may be scarce from now on, but I'm getting all sorts of ideas for this fic, so I'll do my best to keep powering through.  
> This chapter is the turning point for Makoto and Rin in terms of how their life is going to change, and hooray, we finally get swimming! We're also introduced to Rin's teammates in his college medley relay (provided the show doesn't pull a fast one on me and have Haru going to college with Rin as well), Daikichi, Hiroki and (my personal favourite) Wakaba! ^ v ^ Also after the episode on Makoto at the swimming club I realised this boy was destined to be a father. I kind of want him to dote on the kids as a way to prepare for when he welcomes his baby into the world u v u  
> YAY FOR ANOTHER FRIGGIN LONG CHAPTER

It felt good to run.

Rin wasn't sure if it was because it had been so long since he'd been able to run without throwing up, or how he'd been cooped up in the hospital waiting for his body to split open, or because following that he'd had to wait two whole weeks just to be able to go for a morning run like this, but the sensation of the wind sailing past him as his feet pounded heavily against the floor was like music to his ears.

It felt really, really good.

He was conscious not to run too vigorously, if not because he didn't want to risk straining his newly acquired bodily function and cause bleeding, then because of the fact that he was worried too much jostling would hurt both his back and the baby just barely poking out of his abdomen. Every so often he reached out to support it with one hand as he ran, just to make sure it was okay. He was sure that Doctor Hiyama would scold him if he found out that on top of competitive swimming he was also planning on running for as long as his feet would carry him, but running was one of the few things in his life that he refused to allow this baby to rob him of, so he felt inclined to ignore the nagging voice in the back of his head telling him to take it easy. It wasn't as if everybody else was saying the same thing, anyway.

According to the leaflets and a voice mail left by Doctor Hiyama, Rin was officially in what the obstetrician had called the 'second trimester'. Apparently it was physically the easiest time, which Rin was grateful for, since his morning sickness had officially stopped for the time being (although he _had_ gagged the first time he'd gone to take a dump after the hospital stay and had found he was bleeding around the edges). After all, on top of the physical side effects of the pregnancy, he was running out of time to make his decision of whether to keep the baby or to settle for having the surgery that had sounded so promising at first. It was difficult to think about, even though the pressing issue kept dancing in Rin's head, like dangling a piece of string in front of a kitten's face. It wouldn't leave.

How did he even feel about it? Rin still wasn't completely sure. Somehow he felt as though by giving up on the pregnancy he would be letting Makoto down, even though it would end all their problems. Despite this, the terrifying thought of the aftermath crept up on him. How could he and Makoto simply go back to pretending that it had never happened? It didn't sound easy to have to spend every waking moment with someone you had almost had a kid with, and laugh at what the outcome could have been, even shaking your head and joking, “Hey, remember that one time when we almost became parents? Man, how awkward.”

If they couldn't patch things up Makoto would probably offer to move back in with his parents, and Rin would then have to cope with the suffocating sense of loneliness again, and having to pay for the house single-handedly would cost him a bitch-ton, meaning he'd have to return to his part time job again and face having to dance around the questions the other baristas and his old regulars would have on why he'd been gone for so long.

Still, how exactly would they raise a baby? Makoto always seemed so hopeful, talking about the baby as though it was set-in-stone that they were going to live in a country village and raise it together while eating apple pie and watching late night reruns of Bayside Shakedown while spooning on the couch. He was sure it was Makoto's intention, as pure-hearted as he may have thought it was, to convince Rin to warm up to the idea of a child because it appeared that Makoto didn't completely agree with the original idea of Rin having an abortion. It wasn't that Rin didn't understand where Makoto was coming from, but he seemed to be the only person thinking logically about their financial situation in addition to other things, such as how they were going to come to an understanding on where they stood emotionally and romantically, and how they were going to save up for a college fund, and how they were going to break the news to their families and friends.

The idea of telling anyone still made Rin nauseous. After all, telling his coach was a necessity during the times where he was throwing up almost every day, and of course Makoto would want to be responsible, but those instances were different to the burning embarrassment he'd felt after Gou found out. The memories of lying in bed long after she had gone home, the pain no longer distracting him from the memories of the shame and hot humiliation he had felt taunting him as he tried to sleep. The thought of having to relive those feelings was immensely unappealing.

As he stopped to catch his breath, hand cautiously pressed against his stomach, Rin allowed his mind to wander further away from the bad things and linger on the idea of the good things about having a baby. Sure, they were young and stupidly inexperienced, but would raising a baby be so hard? ...Well, probably, yes, but there would be perks.

He wondered if it would be a boy or a girl. _If we have a girl you can spoil her rotten,_ Makoto's voice sang in his head. True, but what if she turned out like Gou and couldn't swim at a competitive level at all? Maybe a boy would be better. But of course, there was nothing saying he wouldn't opt for the same path. If he ended up giving birth to a kid who wasn't at least interested in swimming, he would probably fail to connect with them at all. It wasn't a very happy thought for so early in the morning.

Briefly he wondered how his relationship with Makoto would stand if they opted to raise a child together. Would they be like the annoying couple from that one American show his roommates in Australia used to love, raising a baby together while managing to see different people? Would they end up separating, with Makoto taking the child with him while Rin was left to bite the dust and convert into a lonely and jaded person? To avoid such an upsetting thought, Rin considered the alternative. Suppose they _did_ become romantically involved...

He shook the idea off quickly, flustered, and began to run again, hand never leaving his stomach. He noticed that he'd started to do it earlier in the week, sometimes even when Makoto was in the room, much to the latter's joy. Perhaps it was the more defined bump underneath Rin's clothes that made the difference, but now that something more physical was there he often had urges to run his hand over it, just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating it. Of course, there were moments when, in Rin's more generous moods, Makoto would be allowed to casually put his hand over the rise beneath his shirt, but he knew that if he spent too long cooing at it he'd probably start trying to communicate, so Rin supposed it was a good thing that he was pushing Makoto away in time.

“I'm going to get swept up in it if I'm not careful,” Rin muttered to himself, shivering in the cold November air. There was still one more thing he had to do before retreating back into the warmth of the house he and Makoto currently shared.

The grass always felt fresher up there. It had been a while since he'd visited, but in this surreal state of being Rin felt it only natural to consult with his father on the matter. The Matsuoka grave sat peacefully, the only noise the stirring of the sea in the distance. Rin took comfort in the solitude of his father's resting place; there was no one worrying over him here, no one judging him, no one commenting on the kinds of supplements he should be taking or how many hours of rest he should be getting.

“Hey, Dad,” he greeted, exhaling shakily. He had felt calm at first, but he couldn't deny that revealing his condition, even to a dead person, was nerve-wracking.

The grave stayed silent, and for the first time ever, Rin was glad that deceased people couldn't talk.

“Listen,” he muttered. “This is kind of out of the blue, and you probably didn't expect this, but I'm pregnant, and it's Makoto's. You've never met him, but he's good with kids and he tries his best to be good to me, so I probably sound like I'm being ungrateful, but I don't know how good I would be at being a parent.” He took a deep breath. “How was it when Mom was pregnant with me? I know you guys were young. That's why you gave up your dream, and – and I'm worried about it. My dream was your dream and now, if I decide to keep this baby, will I have to give it up as well? I don't know a thing about raising a child. Gou was so close to my age that it felt like we were raising each other, so I don't know what it means to have someone depend on you _so much_.”

Rin blinked back tears that had began to sting his eyes as his worries that had built up inside began tumbling out of his mouth. The weight felt like it was beginning to lift from his shoulders, but the ideas beneath it were still deep, impregnable even by consulting with his father.

“I thought I was against the idea, but the longer I spend carrying this baby, the more confused I'm getting,” he sighed, kneeling before the grave in defeat. “All I want to do is to be able to swim professionally, but they keep asking me about what I want when it comes to this baby, and I don't even know anymore.”

A sudden wind rustled through the clearing, crisp and all-knowing, and it filled Rin with ease, as though it were responding to his fears.

“I guess I just needed to get these things off my chest.” He glanced over at the glass jar belonging to Gou, with what appeared to have been filled with small yellow flowers recently. Silently he wondered if Gou had gone to their father for advice concerning Rin as well. Reaching over to touch the tombstone affectionately, Rin smiled.

“I'll see you later, Dad.”

Turning to leave, his stomach growled and he stared ahead at the ocean in the distance longingly, before heading down the steep path.

When he returned home, Rin found it silent with sleep and decided to make some tea, knowing it would be just as meaningful to Makoto as coffee since he still had aversions to the latter. Makoto was just beginning to rise as Rin poured the hot tea into cups, stumbling into the kitchen bleary-eyed and yawning.

“Morning, sleeping beauty,” teased Rin, setting down the tea. Makoto smiled and rubbed his eyes.

“Good morning,” he greeted, sitting at the kitchen table. “What are you doing up so early, Rin?”

“I felt less tired today,” Rin explained, sitting down opposite. “I wanted to run. I mean, I've fallen behind on my training so I need to get back on track. Even if it's a slow process, I need to be there for my team, so.”

“Is running really okay? Is it safe?” Makoto asked, concerned. He cupped his tea for warmth. “I understand that you want to compete, and I'm trying to be supportive, but are you going to be okay? You know, with the baby and all...”

“It's fine,” Rin insisted crossly. “I'm feeling better now and running feels great. I mean, Doctor Hiyama said I needed good circulation, what better way than through running?” He stared at his tea, his slightly rosy-cheeked complexion staring back at him. “It's a good way for me to think. When I run I'm in complete solitude, and I can go over things, like what I'm going to do and how I feel about the... situation at hand.”

Makoto's eyes lit up. “You mean it, Rin? You're considering it?”

Rin shrugged, feeling a tiny bit pleased. “I guess... I was never against it completely, I keep saying this. But don't get your hopes up too high. I don't want to be the bad guy here.”

“Of course,” Makoto agreed as Rin took a sip nonchalantly. “I mean, take time to you know, consider it all, but I'm just happy you're warming up to the idea, honestly...”

Rin wanted to believe that he was trying to butter Makoto up so that he would be allowed to run, but it really wasn't the case. He was changing and he was conscious of it. After all, this time last year, would he even have thought about the possibility of starting a family at his age? Definitely not. But now... the prospect didn't seem infinitely out of reach.

“...Makoto, I think I'm going to go to the pool tomorrow,” he murmured.

Makoto watched him silently.

“What? You're not going to try and stop me? Say that I'll pull a muscle and it'll harm the baby? Or say that I'll end up hurting myself just by diving in?”

He knew he was being unfair, but his words came without malice; he was genuinely surprised that Makoto wasn't suggesting such stupid ideas.

“No,” Makoto said simply, looking a little hurt by Rin's accusations. “I know I can't stop you from swimming, Rin. I'm not trying to trap you, I'm just doing what I can to make things easier on your body. But I won't stop you from competing. If you feel ready to do it, and your coach and Doctor Hiyama agrees that it's okay, I'm not going to stop you.”

Rin watched him, startled, before uttering, “Well. Okay then. That's... okay.”

“Yeah,” Makoto said with a slight chuckle that sounded more like a cough. The edges of his mouth crinkled up in a smile. “It's good to see that you're doing better, Rin. I'm really glad.”

Rin found his face heating up under Makoto's gaze.

“Er, thanks. Me too. I mean... morning sickness was a bitch, and all,” he gabbled, busying himself with drinking his tea in order to keep from looking over to Makoto again.

Makoto stood up and began to make breakfast, tuning the kitchen radio as the rice began to boil. Rin stood up and began to cook the eggs, humming tunelessly.

“You know,” Makoto said aloud, “I think I might go back and work at the swim club. I might try and apply for the part time position and coach the kids again, like I started doing before college started.”

Rin paused.

“Really? How come?”

“Well...” Makoto stared off, in a world of his own. “I guess, maybe, I'm just trying to think ahead. If we decide we're going to have this baby, we'll need the extra money, and it won't be too taxing on top of my current job.”

“That's not fair, though,” Rin protested. “I had to give up my job before, so I can get another, if that's what you're worried about.”

“It isn't about that,” he said gently, turning to face Rin with a fond smile. “Well, I suppose financially it is. But the truth is, I've missed it... I was going to start over summer but they had a lot of summer jobs for high school kids going, so I was going to wait until a better opportunity, but...”

“But I got pregnant. Right.” Rin sniffed. “So, the reality is, it isn't the money you're interested in but training the kids at the pool.”

Makoto grinned sheepishly. “I guess. It felt good to help the children when I was volunteering there, even if it was only for a short while. I want to feel that joy again. It really was near to the happiest I've ever been.”

With a sigh, Rin brought his fist up to his chin, elbow sitting on the table. “Well, if it's what you want to do, I guess I don't have anything against it. Go for it.”

“Thanks, Rin,” Makoto said softly, smile on his face. The two began to eat in a silence that didn't feel uncomfortable, but... calm. Easy.

...That was, until a belch ripped through the quiet.

Makoto looked up with amused eyes as Rin stuck his chopsticks into his mouth, red in the face.

“Shit. Sorry. That really ruined the atmosphere.”

“I'm just happy you're eating properly again,” Makoto said tactfully, failing to hide his smile. As much as he sympathised with Rin for all the gastric problems ailing him thanks to the baby in his belly, a flustered face really did suit Rin nicely. In fact, if anything it made him happier to see Rin emitting an emotion that wasn't the stand-offish, almost cold mask he'd been wearing since finding out about the pregnancy. It seemed that Rin was finally starting to come out of his shell, and Makoto was grateful.

 

…

 

“ _Welcome back, Matsuoka-san, Tachibana-san,” Doctor Hiyama greeted as they entered his office. It was time for the monthly check-up and Rin was, oddly, eager to get it over with already so that he could get the all clear and start swimming again. “Has everything been going all right since you were discharged?”_

“ _Uh, yeah,” Rin answered as the two took a seat. He glanced at the examination table and wondered if Doctor Hiyama was going to ask to do an ultrasound at every visit. “Everything's been fine.”_

“ _I'm glad to hear it. No bleeding, or severe pain?”_

“ _There was a little bleeding, at first,” Rin admitted, grimacing at the memory. “But it cleared up quickly.”_

“ _And your morning sickness?”_

“ _Yeah, it's pretty much gone.”_

_“That's good. Sometimes morning sickness can carry on into the second and sometimes third trimester, and I've noticed that nausea is more severe in male pregnancies, so you've gotten off lucky, Matsuoka-san. Now, by this point you're in the second trimester, so this is around the time you'll start showing more, and you'll have to be more careful when exercising. Although I imagine either you or Tachibana-san have already looked through the leaflets I handed out. You can ask any questions now, or if not, the leaflets will probably have answers you're seeking out. You might want to start buying looser clothing and jeans with an elasticated waist to accommodate for the baby, since it's rare you'll find anything for men in the maternity section.”_

_Rin nodded impatiently. Doctor Hiyama cleared his throat._

“ _Now, Matsuoka-san, I'd like to do an internal examination in a minute, so if you would remove your trousers and sit on the examination table-”_

_“Wait, take off my trousers?” Rin stared at him, then at Makoto, horrified. “W-What are you going to do?”_

_Doctor Hiyama had the patience of a saint._

“ _I need to check the opening to see that it hasn't become infected and that ultimately it aligns with the birth canal. While it's probably stabilised already, I need to make sure that in the two weeks since opening it is properly connected to the uterus, otherwise it won't be safe to give birth. It'll only be slight probing, so it should be over fairly quickly.”_

_Face beet red, Rin kicked off his trousers and covered himself with the nearby towel before removing his boxers, sending Makoto a dark look._

“ _Don't you dare look,” he threatened as Doctor Hiyama reached for a small wand._

_The examination took only five minutes, and Rin was grateful that he could quickly pull his underwear and trousers. However, he had to lower them slightly when Doctor Hiyama switched on the ultrasound monitor and spread the cold lubricant gel onto his stomach. Makoto turned around after Rin's approval and came to join them as the doctor began to move the transducer across Rin's belly._

_A fuzzy image was on the screen, moving unsteadily as the transducer searched for a good angle. This time, however, Rin could make out the muffled shape of a baby. It didn't seem to be doing much._

“ _By the look of things, it seems that the baby is healthy.” Makoto squeezed Rin's shoulder, beaming. In that moment, Rin's chest felt uncomfortably tight. “Unfortunately it's too early to learn the sex of the baby, but by eighteen weeks it should be easy to see.”_

“ _So everything's fine?” Makoto asked happily. “There's nothing wrong?”_

“ _No, everything is normal,” Doctor Hiyama repeated, smiling in amusement at Makoto's enthusiasm. “The risk of miscarriage is much higher in the first trimester than the second, so you should be feeling a lot more healthy and energetic now, Matsuoka-san. I trust that you want to return to swimming?”_

“ _That's right,” Rin agreed, smiling for the first time since they entered the room. “I have to get back on track or my team will surpass me.”_

“ _Well, swimming is one of the safest forms of exercise during pregnancy, but since the baby will likely be pressing against your lungs more as it grows, you may find yourself short of breath so it might be more difficult to swim competitively. I would also recommend keeping drinking water nearby so that you don't become dehydrated.”_

_As the doctor turned his attention to the screen and paused it, measuring the size, Makoto grinned at Rin._

“ _Isn't that great? I'm sure your teammates will be glad to have you back.”_

“ _Yeah, if they don't kick my ass first,” Rin ribbed good-naturedly._

“ _One more thing, Matsuoka-san, Tachibana-san,” Doctor Hiyama continued, as the computer began to whir. He turned his attention back to the men sitting opposite and folded his arms. “You're running out of time to decide whether you would like a surgical abortion, so I must ask now if you've decided what you're going to do. I need time to book the procedure, so I have to ask: are you planning on keeping the baby?”_

“ _We...” Makoto turned to look at Rin, who was very still, face twisted into an unreadable expression. “...Rin?”_

“ _We, uh...” Rin's mouth felt dry. He shook his head helplessly. The only sound in the room was the buzzing of the computer as it began to print copies of the sonogram._

“ _Well,” Doctor Hiyama said at last, clearing his throat, “I can give you no more than two weeks to make your final decision. Make sure to consider all of the options available. I'll see you again by that point, and you will have to let me know. That's the final deadline.”_

_Rin wiped his stomach off, feeling numb. It felt like he hadn't had any time at all. Quietly, Makoto took the sonogram images, before squeezing Rin's shoulder again._

“ _Rin? It's time to leave.”_

“ _Call my number if you have any questions,” Doctor Hiyama called. Rin nodded stiffly. As they shut the door, Makoto nudged Rin._

“ _Are you all right? You've been spacing out.”_

_Rin nodded, unable to speak._

“... _Yeah.” He touched his stomach lightly, swallowing. “I'm fine.”_

 

…

 

Rin struggled to remember why he thought competing in regionals was a good idea again, as his teammates lined up for the relay. It was too hot and he was already beginning to break out in an uncomfortable sweat, but if he removed his zip-up he would risk attracting unwanted attention from the rival schools, who were eying him oddly already. At least by the time it came for him to swim everybody would be too focused on their own teammates to stare at his stomach. Being the butterfly swimmer really was a blessing in disguise this time around.

Two weeks had passed since he had been given the all clear, and despite the extra weight he was carrying he found his times hadn't changed much at all. His team was grateful to have him back, to say the least (Hiroki had punched him on the shoulder and demanded where the hell his truant ass had been all this time, Wakaba had inputted helpfully that they'd improved their times while he'd been gone and Daikichi simply planted his hands on his hips and said he was glad that there was finally someone who wasn't completely hopeless on the team again). Before changing the coach had pulled Rin off to one side and given an awkward apology for how he had acted the last time Rin had spoken to him, and Rin, somewhat embarrassed, had accepted the apology quickly and headed out to the side after explaining that his obstetrician had given him the all clear to swim competitively.

Needless to say, Rin's teammates had been a little shocked when he removed his swim jacket (“Woah, lay off the fast food for a while, Matsuoka, you're really out of shape!” “Shut up, you idiot, he's been off with stomach flu, remember?”), but he'd simply shrugged and dived in, face burning. Despite the stares of his teammates following him wherever he went, he'd been able to keep up with everybody's times and gradually he began to improve again.

“Now, remember, guys. We're the fastest here. We have been training so hard for this,” Daikichi began, fists clenched.

“Well, us minus Matsuoka,” Hiroki ribbed teasingly, dodging Rin's fist.

“Quit teasing him already, it's not his fault,” Wakaba warned, sending Rin an apologetic glance. “We've _all_ been training hard for this. Minor setbacks aren't going to stop us from winning this. Regardless of Rin's illness, we still have the fastest times in our team, so we're going to be fine.”

Rin decided in this moment he probably liked Wakaba best on the team; unlike the others, he seemed genuinely concerned for Rin's health and spent most of the sessions warning him to stop if he sounded out of breath. It was almost like having a leaner and less pushy Makoto around, since his concern came without the nagging.

He could see Makoto from where he was standing easily; he was searching for Rin, squinting, head turning. When his eyes finally fell on Rin his face shone and he began to wave enthusiastically, beaming from ear to ear. The notion was enough to make Rin's face flood red, and he ducked his head sheepishly.

“Your roommate?” Hiroki snorted, having spotted Makoto too. “He looks like a doting father, the way he's waving at you.”

 _You have no idea_ , Rin thought grimly, securing his swim cap.

Daikichi slid into the water and steadied himself on the edge, along with the other backstroke swimmers, and the look of sheer concentration on his face used to be intimidating to Rin, but now felt oddly comforting. Sometimes Wakaba could be a little slow on his times, and sometimes Hiroki could be reckless, but Daikichi was eternally in winning mode and the thought filled Rin with relief.

The whistle sounded shrilly, and the crowd erupted in cheers for their respective teams.

“Go, go, Daikichi! Go, go, Daikichi!” Their college was cheering, their team was cheering, Rin was cheering. He unzipped the jacket slightly, but the stadium was warm and it didn't make much of a difference.

“Rin, are you feeling okay?” Wakaba muttered in between cheers. Daikichi had made the turn and was heading back towards them as Hiroki positioned himself. “You look very red. Maybe you should take off the jacket?”

“I'm fine,” Rin replied shortly.

As Hiroki dived, Rin stood up, trying to avoid looking at the other swimmers, who were eying him strangely. Daikichi, climbing out of the water, started to cheer hoarsely and Wakaba joined in again. Rin glanced up at Makoto, who was watching the race studiously, also cheering for Hiroki, and quickly slipped off his jacket. As Hiroki's hand smacked into the side, he shouted Rin's name, and Rin dived in.

His thoughts, usually focused on his speed during the race, were spinning all over the place now that he was in the water, burning questions on what his teammates thought, what their competition thought, what the audience thought of him and his short breath and his huge stomach. He felt hot, more conscious of it now he was in the water, but kept swimming regardless. The swimmer in the lane on his left was catching up to him. As he made the turn, the momentum was ambiguous, but Rin somehow retained it as the thought of what the baby in him would think if his first race in utero was a careless loss. With one last adrenalin-filled effort, his hand hit the side forcefully and he shouted Wakaba's name. The slighter man dove off the edge, over his head, and Rin grinned, breathing heavily. While Wakaba's jump didn't hold a candle to Haruka's, it was still great to see the hardworking guy's efforts paying off.

As he emerged from the water, scrambling to his feet, his teammates were fortunately too focused on how Wakaba was doing in the final stretch to pay attention to the changes in his body. Rin zipped up his jacket, immense relief flooding him, and he caught sight of Makoto for a second, who was just as engaged in the race as his teammates. As Wakaba's hand pressed into the side, a roaring cheer resonated through the stands.

The team began to shout and clap each other on the back and Daikichi, in the midst of it, asked why Rin was already wearing his jacket again, but Rin failed to hear him because he was beginning to grow hot and his skin was clammy with sweat rather than water and his hands were shaking.

Daikichi, Wakaba and Hiroki were fist bumping and crying out in victory and seemingly hadn't noticed the way that Rin's face, flushed and sweating, was growing more and more confused, and how his eyes were drooping. With a grunt, he stumbled to one side, his vision blackening, and he noticed in his last few moments of consciousness that only two of his teammates had reached to catch him.

He was going to resent Hiroki for that forever, probably.

When he next opened his eyes Rin found himself staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling, which still appeared to be spinning. There were still black spots fading out as he blinked rapidly, disorientated, and struggled to sit up.

“Rin!” Wakaba was hovering over him anxiously. “Can you see me okay? Are you doing all right?”

“Yeah...” Rin grunted, holding onto his aching head. The raised voices attracted the attention of the other adults in the room, who then approached Rin's bedside. Now aware of his surroundings, he realised stupidly that he'd ended up in the infirmary.

Wait, the infirmary? Cautiously he reached down to put a hand on his stomach, which appeared to have maintained its shape. There was no pain, or any indication that something had gone wrong. Relief washed over him at the discovery that it was still there, but it left burning questions as to what _had_ happened.

“How are you feeling, Matsuoka-san?” the nurse asked, pulling out a pen torch and shining it in both eyes. “It didn't look like a concussion since your teammates caught you before your head made contact with the floor, but...”

“I feel all right,” he answered groggily, squinting a little as Doctor Hiyama stood to one side, arms folded disapprovingly. From behind him, Rin spotted Makoto hovering back sheepishly. “Doctor Hiyama. Wh-What are you doing here?”

“Tachibana-san had to call him up because no one here knew what was wrong with you,” Wakaba started to say, but the doctor spoke over him, staring at him in disappointment.

“Matsuoka-san, in your condition this medley relay wasn't a good idea at all,” Doctor Hiyama began, pursing his lips. “In the pamphlets I gave to both you and Tachibana-san it specified no strenuous activity in the weeks following your opening, and it should have been obvious that the diving aspect of competitive swimming is not advisable when you are in the stages of a pregnancy!”

Thinking about it, Rin supposed he was right – the impact of hitting the water probably wasn't good for the baby in his stomach – but at the time he hadn't really considered the risks. He hung his head, embarrassed.

“You are extremely fortunate that nothing disastrous happened,” the doctor continued sternly, “and that you only suffered a fainting spell from overheating. Wearing a fleece-lined jacket in a crowded stadium immediately after swimming vigorously was a very foolish thing to do in your state!”

In the midst of being berated for his lack of common sense, it dawned on Rin that Wakaba was still present in the room and his gaze flickered to his teammate nervously. Wakaba was staring at his prominent bump, face a mixture of shock and new understanding, as though he were piecing together the questions that had been raised in his mind thanks to this recent answer. Rin stared down and put a hand to his belly, feeling sick.

“I understand that you are concerned about the fate of your career,” Doctor Hiyama went on, voice no longer holding the severity it did before, “and I am aware that you are considering aborting the baby right now. But if something were to have gone wrong in today's event, you would have to face far worse consequences than those you held before. Many complications could have risen from this incident and as your obstetrician I don't think it's advisable for you to be competing in tournaments anymore.”

Rin's head jerked up.

“No, you can't say that!” he cried, rising to his feet. “It was reckless of me and I'm sorry, but I _need_ to keep swimming! If I'm not allowed to compete how am I supposed to support my teammates? How am I meant to compete in the next Olympics if I don't get scouted by a team? This isn't just my career, it's my entire _future_ , and I can't risk stopping now!”

“Please, Doctor Hiyama,” Makoto interrupted, clearly upset. “Please, don't stop Rin from swimming right now. He – he's so close to his goal, and if he stops now...”

“Yeah, we need Rin,” Wakaba inputted desperately. “He can – he can swim backstroke, if it'll help, if it means he doesn't have to dive and all. If he can swim as strongly as he did today, even if he is – you know, uh, p-pregnant-” He glanced at Rin nervously. “If he can swim this way now, it'd be a waste for him to stop.”

“Well...” Doctor Hiyama watched Rin uneasily, conflicted. “If it means you won't be diving, I suppose I wouldn't be against you competing, provided you stay very hydrated between races. But once you reach the fifth month, provided that you decide to keep the baby, I will have to put a stop to it.”

“I can do that. I swear. I'll be more careful,” Rin agreed quickly. “I'll convince Daikichi to switch with me. He'll come around. I'm not going to let my team down.”

“In that case then,” Doctor Hiyama said reluctantly, “I will permit it. But I do have one more question.” Watching Rin over his glasses, he spoke: “Tomorrow is your deadline. Have you decided yet what you're going to do?”

Rin was back in the pool again, struggling, flailing. He was back in his jacket again, unbearably hot. He was standing naked on the edge, all eyes on him and his stomach.

“...No,” he said at last, voice sounding hollow.

 

…

 

_He hadn't meant to impose on Gou while her and Hanamura were getting a little too cosy on the couch (if Gou's unkempt hair and Hanamura's crumpled and half-buttoned shirt was anything to go by), but he'd been on his way home from training and his feet had somehow led him to his sister's dormitory absentmindedly._

“ _O-O-Onii-chan!!” she gasped, stretching across the doorway to hide Hanamura from view. “What are you doing here?!” Gou glanced down and her eyes widened. “Wow, you're getting hu-”_

“ _Shut up,” he barked, buttoning his coat up hastily. “Am I interrupting something? I can come back tomorrow-”_

“ _No, no, it's fine!” Gou said frantically, sending her roommate an apologetic glance. “Sorry, Hana-chan, mind if I slip out for a moment?”_

“ _Oh. Sure.” Hanamura blinked, looking a little disappointed. “Be back soon, or I'm starting the Sailor Moon marathon without you!”_

“ _This won't take longer than an hour, I swear,” Gou promised, before pulling on her coat and shutting the door behind her. “Do you want to get coffee, Onii-chan? ...Actually, you probably shouldn't have caffeine, huh...”_

“ _It's more that I get nauseous at the smell than the coffee itself. Let's go to the cafe near the library.”_

“ _Sure!” she agreed quickly, pulling on her gloves. She smoothed down her hair quickly and the two walked in silence, but it wasn't long before he decided to pop the question._

“ _So were you and Hanamura, um...”_

“ _O-Oh, that?” Gou blushed to the roots of her hair. “Um, how to put this... w-we aren't really dating, per say, just... friends. Who... kiss sometimes? I don't know...”_

“ _So the idea that I might be into both guys and girls was confusing to you, but you yourself are getting mixed up in the exact same thing?”_

“ _Hana-chan and I aren't like you and Makoto-senpai!” she exclaimed, her confidence returning as Rin ducked his head, blushing too. “We aren't... I mean, it's not like we're...”_

“ _Save it. I was in the exact same boat.”_

_The two lapsed into silence once more, before she blurted out, “I really like Hana-chan.”_

_Rin blinked. “Well, good for you.”_

“ _It's just-” Gou faltered, fidgeting with her hands nervously. “I don't know how she feels about us being more than just friends who do things sometimes, and... I wouldn't want to ruin anything. That's all.”_

“ _Hey, it's okay,” Rin said gruffly as they entered the cafe. They began to take off their coats and found a booth away from the window. “You don't have to justify anything to me, Gou. Take some time to sort out your own thoughts.”_

“ _Hmm.” Unhappily, she glanced down at the menu. “You don't mind if I order coffee, do you? Or should I get something else?”_

_Rin shrugged. “I'm not too bad anymore in terms of aversions, so if you keep it away from me I don't mind.”_

_She hummed indecisively for a few moments before shaking her head. “It's fine. I'll have tea instead.”_

“ _Me too.” Rin's stomach growled and he murmured, “Probably some cake too.”_

“ _Yeah, since you're eating for two,” Gou sang, face splitting into a grin. “How is the baby doing, Onii-chan? You're starting to show now.”_

“ _Yeah. It's fine.” The two ordered before he continued. “That's kind of what I came here to talk about today, actually.”_

“ _Oh, really?” Gou perked up, smiling. “What's up?”_

“ _Well, for one thing, I got the impression that you'd be dying for one of these,” he started, pulling a copy of the sonogram out of his pocket. As he handed it over, her smile widened._

“ _Oh, oh my gosh, Onii-chan,” she cried, face pink. “Wow, you can really tell it's a baby now, huh? Again, congratulations, Onii-chan, oh my gosh. It feels so real now, huh?”_

“ _It sure does,” he echoed, stomach fluttering. He paused for a few moments, glancing around, before muttering, “You can touch it, if you want.”_

“ _Really?” Face radiating happiness, Gou stood up from her seat and moved to crouch by Rin's, so that she was eye level with his protruding belly. Gingerly she reached out and placed both hands on. “Wow, it's really firm. I guess I didn't expect that.”_

“ _Hey, I'm still an athlete through and through,” he retorted, glad their booth was more private than the open tables near the front._

“ _True. It's a shame we can't feel it moving though, huh? Still, I guess it's to be expected.”_

_He smiled fondly and she glanced up at him, before removing her hands reluctantly and sitting back down._

“ _Well, you know, Onii-chan, for someone who wants an abortion you sure seem happy with this baby,” she said softly, watching him for some sort of reaction. He stared down at his hands, swallowing._

“ _Here's the thing,” he muttered. “I have to make a decision in two weeks. I've had all this time, and I still don't really know how I feel about it.”_

_The drinks and Rin's cake came and his stomach growled. He dug into it quickly, casting Gou quick glances in between bites. She was still spacing out after he polished it off. He brought his hand up to his mouth to burp discreetly, but Gou hardly noticed._

“ _I think,” she began slowly, “I think that it's not my place to make the decision for you, Onii-chan... since that was what you wanted from me, right?”_

_Her gaze flickered to his empty plate. “Geez, did you swallow it whole?”_

“ _I'm a growing guy,” Rin retaliated, before sighing. “I guess you're right. I just feel like I can't talk to Makoto about it. He's doing that thing where he acts completely understanding and saintly, but I feel like if I tried to discuss it with him he'd push me into keeping the baby, and I don't want to be pushed. I just want...” Rin searched for the right words. “I just want it to be on my own terms.”_

_Gou took a sip of her tea, contemplating his request. “Well, I don't think it'll do any good for you to be pushed one way or the other. I think, Onii-chan, that you just need to figure out which option will make you happiest. Do you want to go back to your old life, now that this possible future has been presented to you?”_

_Rin considered it. Returning to a time where he and Makoto were simply flatmates seemed very appealing, but in reality it wouldn't be as simple as pretending it never happened. There would always be something holding them back from returning to how they were before Rin ended up pregnant. In reality Makoto would probably try and be super understanding about everything and end up making Rin extremely uncomfortable. The scenario just didn't feel possible._

“ _I don't know,” he admitted. “It doesn't seem like things would just go back to normal... if anything, Makoto would probably end up resenting me for it. I thought I wanted an abortion at first, but now...”_

“ _After what happened at the hospital,” Gou cut in gently, reaching over to squeeze her brother's wrist, “Makoto-senpai came to find me in the cafeteria, and we talked a little about what you wanted and what he wanted. He said you were unsure about a lot of things. I guess he was right.” She smiled a little. “But most importantly, Makoto-senpai told me that whatever you wanted, so long as he didn't lose you he would deal with it. He can't resent you after saying those things. He knows that where you guys stand is complicated and I can't imagine he would be angry if you chose not to keep the baby. It's what_ you _want that's the most important thing, Onii-chan.”_

“ _But belittling Makoto's feelings_ isn't _what I want,” he shot back, a little hurt. “How we feel about having this child is equally as important. Our relationship is going to be ruined either way, so I don't want to put my feelings before his, I want us to stand on equal ground.” He ran his fingers through his hair miserably. “It's just so frustrating. I don't know how I feel.”_

_Gou regarded him silently, sipping her tea, before finally opening her mouth._

“ _I'm not going to convince you to keep the baby or to abort it, Onii-chan. I'm just going to tell you what I saw: when I saw you present the sonogram to me, you looked pleased. And when I put my hands on your belly you looked happy. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see, or maybe it was real, but today you've seemed happy despite saying you're not.” Doe eyes watching him, Gou gave him a warm smile. “To me, at least, Onii-chan, you looked very happy to be carrying this baby today. Think about that.”_

 

…

 

The answer came to him in a dream, after he was sent home from regionals and ordered to bed rest by Makoto despite his protests.

In the dream he was walking through the house, following tiny blue footsteps that never seemed to lead to a person. When he reached the kitchen, Makoto was messing with something on the counter, his back to Rin. Upon further inspection, it appeared to be a child's bento, a Hello Kitty patterned box lid beside it.

Rin took a step back, mind reeling, and he could hear high pitched laughter from Makoto's bedroom, which now had a sign hanging on the door reading “nursery”. He reached out to it, heart in his mouth, but as he pushed open the door it began to crumble away, shattering into a blinding light that dimmed to reveal a large swimming pool bathed in fluorescent lighting. He squinted, head throbbing at the intensity of the light, and a whistle was being blown. Makoto, now a swim coach, donned the Iwatobi Swim Club uniform proudly and was shouting and clapping his hands as several small children raced in the 100m backstroke. He gazed around wildly, his eyes finally resting on the petite girl who climbed out of the pool first, having claimed first place. She stood proudly, watching her competition struggle out of the water, and as she reached to snap her goggles back, Rin's stomach flipped.

The young girl pulled off her swim cap and deep copper-coloured hair fell around her face. She spotted him from across the pool, waved wildly, and Makoto began to wave as well, calling him over. His feet were frozen in place, but his chest swelled with the most surging tidal wave of awe and happiness and love that he almost fell under the weight of it all.

He wanted to go. He just couldn't figure out how.

Rin awoke with a start, half expecting this child to run into his room with a dozen swim trophies, but upon further inspection he found he still had a belly full of baby and exhaled, pushing his hair out of his eyes. He glanced at the clock. 7am.

In a daze, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and left his room, crossing the hall. There was no sign reading “nursery” hanging from Makoto's room. Almost selfishly, he wished there was.

Upon pushing open the door, Makoto shot up, still half asleep.

“Riiiin?” he murmured, voice thick with sleep. “Mmwhas' wrong?”

“Makoto, uh.” He still spoke as if he were in a trance, only vaguely noticing his palms were beginning to sweat. “Makoto, I think I'm having the baby.”

“Whhat?” Makoto's eyes were only half open. “Rinnnnn, y'only four months, y'not-”

“Shut up, I mean I'm keeping the baby and she does the snap thing with the goggles and she's the best backstroker I've ever seen, and I think we need to have this baby,” he uttered, feeling a little dizzy. He sat down on the end of Makoto's bed, blinking furiously. Makoto was beginning to comprehend what Rin was telling him.

“Wait... wait, what? About a baby with goggles?”

“Makoto,” Rin repeated urgently. “I said I'm going to keep the baby. Forget about the goggles.”

Makoto's eyes began to focus, and his mouth opened slightly.

“R-Rin, you want to-? Are you sure?!”

“I think I am. Do you think we can do it?” Rin gripped onto Makoto's shoulders, suddenly a little afraid. “I mean, I think I really want this. Gou was right. I am happy. I'm also fucking terrified so you need to talk to me Makoto. Do you think we can do it?”

Makoto nodded numbly.

“We can. We can, Rin.”

His face was beginning to stretch into a huge smile and he reached for Rin and pulled him into a tight hug and Rin was beginning to shake at the revelation of it all. Relationships and telling people and his huge and inconvenient belly aside, Rin realised as he rested his chin on Makoto's shoulder that it was such a simple thing, no matter how much more complicated it would grow to be over time.

“I don't know how we'll handle everything,” Makoto gabbled, still a little delirious with sleep, “but I promise we'll do it.” His hand snaked down and palmed Rin's stomach and Rin exhaled and despite his still shaking hands and the tears that were once again welling up in his eyes, he was beginning to realise that from this point on things were going to get better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said swimming, I meant SWIMMING. There was going to be other things, but it ended up being all about the swimming.  
> also YAAAY BABY


End file.
